I swore to God I'd never be what I've become

There's something off with Snow Patrol's lyrics.

Crack the shutters open wide
I want to bathe you in the light
Of day-hay

That last part, the [-hay]? It's lazy. So is [Ooooh]. As a rule (with the mandatory exceptions of course), I have a problem with [Ooooh]. [Ooooh] is lazy. Snow Patrol's [Ooooh] is not functional; it does not add anything. It's "I can't tap into any creativity for this chorus, so let's just cram in an [Ooooh]"-lazy. And like I said, it's right up there with "I'm just going to pretend that [Day] has two syllables". He'd better pretended that [Body] in the next verse only had one syllable, but whatever. Writing is a bitch - I should know.

---------

We're not doing anything for Christmas. "We" would be my family (mother, stepfather, brother, stepsister etc. etc.). My brother, stepsister and myself concluded that the years of false pretenses (are pretenses ever true to begin with?) are over. So on First Christmas day, I will be eating macaroni with ham and cheese with my adorable son. On Second Christmas day, my friend Ellis will be over and I'll eat something a tad more sophisticated, but not too much (I'm thinking stuffed organic chicken with risotto and just a nice salad).

I know it's kind of sad, yet I am happy to make a brand new start with the whole Christmas thing. Christmas used to be a nightmare. Maybe I can start a new tradition and make Christmas a little more harmonious for me and the kid.

---------

I can't say that I am particularly looking forward to 2010, because I am a little scared where I will be this time next year. Will it have been worse than 2009? If so, will I be able to even handle that? On the other hand, so many good things are already lined up for next year: three DMB shows, Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood, a couple of 'unheard of'-s in venues like Paradiso, a possible to trip to Indiana and with that, another DMB show (& a trip to California - I mean, if I'm in the country anyway...) and a possible visit from La GM. Best and worst of all will be the kid's first day at school, after summer. I'm crying my eyes out already. He can read his name now. Bursting with pride. Just bursting.

I'll be doing an overview of 2009 later. Love you all.

winter fun with the neighbors

Als je haar maar goed zit (As long as your hair is great - Dutch song)

My hair died.



One day, it was perfectly fine, sitting on my head, straigt as an arrow but what else is new. The next? Dead. Split ends, no life, dull as fuck, no color, gone.



So I had to cut it - the hair is dead, long live the hair. Hair CPR. It looks kinda nice. But until it has grown back - no pictures.



On request:

Friday Night Movie Night: New Moon

Most thought thought last Friday:

"Oh, for the love of GOD!".

The movie was released on 11/19 over here. We were scheduled to see it just one day later. When I bought the tickets online, I did notice the announcement that it was going to be a special 'Girls Only Night'-screening. But we figured that was all part of the fun. The comedy enhances in a theater filled with girls who really know how to swoon properly.

We did it right. First, we got together at my place to 'watch' the Twilight DVD, while gulping down two bottles of prosecco and basically yapping, yelling and laughing our way through. We had some Italian food at Vapiano, which was delish as always. We figured we needed to get to the theater somewhat in advance (we're not that dense), so off we went.

It was insane. Just insane. There was an enormous crowd (for both New Moon and that other disaster: 2012). 3/4 were girls. There were only three registers open for both tickets and refreshments. It was hot, very hot. We were wearing winter coats and scarfs. We were in our thirties, they were barely 16. The smell of Clearasil and lip gloss was overwhelming. They roped off the stairs to our theater and when they finally opened it (about half an hour after the movie was supposed to start), the ticket girl got trempled. Actual feet placed on her back. Insanity!

Now, the movie itself. No review could ever top Eric D. Snyder's alternative rejected script, so I will post that here. If you haven't read his Twilight script, please do. You'll wet yourself.

Anyway, there were a few things mentioning.

1. The girly crowd clapped during the opening credits. The fuck?
2. The first third of the movie wasn't half bad. Yeah, I didn't expect that either. Edward was allowed to have tiny hints of other emotions on his face besides torment (meaning he didn't look like he was constipated the entire time) and Bella was less clingy than I'd feared.
3. Taylor Lautner pulls off his shirt and the girly crowd S-C-R-E-A-M-S. Robert Pattinson does the same and you could hear a pin drop. Not a sound. Chuckle.
4. Way better job on the make-up and contacts for this one. Exception: Jasper.
5. Loved the Volturi, hated the wolve pack. The difference? Acting skills.

And now, onto Eric's script.

MY SCREENPLAY ADAPTATION OF STEPHENIE MEYER'S "NEW MOON"
By Eric D. Snider

Scene 1
CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella! You're 18 now, old enough to make adult decisions and choose your own path!
BELLA: Eh, I think I'll just keep doing whatever Edward wants.
CHARLIE: If I had any actual relevance in your life I'd be concerned. Anyway, here's a camera. Use it to take pictures of your friends.
BELLA: When you say "friends," do you mean "friend," and do you specifically mean Edward?
CHARLIE: Who else would I mean? The classmates you've been ignoring since you first laid eyes on Whitey von Pastyface?

* * * * *

Scene 2
BELLA:
Hello, my undead stalker! How are you?
EDWARD: Brooding and tortured as always.
BELLA: Wonderful! Hey, Charlie gave me a camera. Could you, a vampire, please stand here in broad daylight so I can take your photograph? Oh, and hold this cross, this holy water, and this clove of garlic, too.
BRAM STOKER: (turns over in grave)
JACOB: Hey, Bella! Remember me?
BELLA: By the steroids of A-Rod! Jacob, you're huge! I've never seen such a hunky, delicious slab of Indian meat! Tell the women in your village they don't have to go down to the river to do laundry anymore, they can beat their clothes against your abs!
EDWARD: I'm standing right here, Bella.
BELLA: Not now, Powder. Jacob, why are you so buff all of a sudden?
JACOB: Oh, um, no reason. This happens to all Native Americans when they turn 16. Hey, you don't have any Snausages on you, do you?

* * * * *

Scene 3
CARLISLE: Happy birthday, Bella! We thought it would be fun for you if we stood around posing like models while you opened some gifts from us.
BELLA: Well, I'm really not big on birthdays, but OK.
EDWARD: Bella, you're bleeding!
BELLA: Look, just because I'm in a grumpy mood doesn't mean you can blame it on --
EDWARD: No, you have a paper cut!
BELLA: Oh. That.
EDWARD: Let me get you a Band-Aid.
BELLA: Jasper, why are you pouring salt and pepper on me?
JASPER: Um, because you're bland? Hello?
EDWARD: Jasper! Do not eat my girlfriend!
BELLA: (thinking) Dear diary: Today Edward finally called me his girlfriend!!
EDWARD: That's it. Bella, the Cullens are leaving Forks, and we're never coming back. It's totally for other reasons, though, and not because Jasper tried to kill you.
BELLA: What?? What other reasons??
EDWARD: I don't love you. I don't want you. I'm no good for you. Stay away from me. I hate you.
BELLA: This is so sudden! It comes immediately after Jasper's attempt on my life and is clearly nothing more than you lying to protect me, and yet I take you completely at your word that you simply don't love me anymore! My heart is breaking! My dumb, dumb heart!

* * * * *

Scene 4
JESSICA: I'm so glad we're hanging out again, Bella! You were such a drag when you were depressed that I'd forgotten what a drag you also are when you're not depressed!
BIKER DUDE: Hey, sour-faced emo chick! Wanna ride on my motorcycle!
BELLA: Eh, sure, why not?
EDWARD: Bella! Don't do it!
BELLA: What the eff? Edward?
EDWARD: I'm here in ghost form, or possibly just in your imagination, to warn you against doing things that are obviously stupid and should require no special warning!
BELLA: I've missed you so much, Ghost Edward! But I'm doing it anyway.
EDWARD: Don't! It's reckless!
BELLA: More reckless than dating a vampire?
EDWARD: Don't argue with Ghost Edward!
BELLA: What are you, my conscience? Get lost, Jiminy Cricket.

* * * * *

Scene 5
BELLA: Jacob, I was hoping you would help me restore this old motorcycle and in the process fall deeper in love with me despite knowing for certain that you will never have me.
JACOB: I'd love to be your consolation prize! I just need to go for a walk first. Hang on, I'll get my leash.
BELLA: You're really sweet, Jacob. I'm gonna ride the HELL out of this motorcycle. Just you try and stop me, Ghost Edward....
JACOB: Bella! You crashed! Are you OK? Here, let me take off my shirt and leave it off for the remainder of the film.
BELLA: I approve of this.
JACOB: Sorry I've been acting a little weird lately. The other guys in my pack -- I mean tribe -- have been hounding me -- I mean bugging me -- to join them. Here come some of them now!
BELLA: Are they friendly?
JACOB: Hang on, I'll see. (Sniffs their butts.) Yeah, they're cool.
SAM: What's up, dawg? Sorry to interrupt your puppy love here. We're gonna go chase some cars, wanna come with us?
JACOB: You're barking up the wrong tree.
BELLA: Right, you're werewolves, I get it.
JACOB: What gave it away??
BELLA: Oh, probably the story you told me in the last movie about your ancestors being werewolves.
JACOB: In hindsight, that may have been unwise on my part.
BELLA: Vampires, werewolves -- it's like I'm living in "Monster Mash." My life is a Halloween novelty song.
JACOB: You should stay away from me. I'm dangerous.
BELLA: I've been getting that a lot lately.
JACOB: I'm gonna go carouse with my wolf buddies. As you can see, they're already shirtless, too.
BELLA: I know! I haven't seen so much smooth, underage beef since Safeway had a special on veal!

* * * * *

Scene 6
ALICE: Bella, Edward thinks you're dead, and he's going to kill himself! It's just like the end of "Romeo and Juliet," which you happened to be reading earlier in the movie! Who could have foreseen that it would come up again??
BELLA: Well, you, with your psychic powers.
ALICE: Yes. Also, anyone who's ever seen a movie before.
BELLA: We have to get to Italy to stop Edward!
ALICE: What about your father?
BELLA: My what now?
ALICE: Your dad? Charlie?
BELLA: I don't even know who you're talking about.
ALICE: I should warn you, Edward is trying to provoke the Volturi into killing him, and they are not to be messed with. They're creepy, soulless monsters -- and that's just Dakota Fanning.
BELLA: Please, I know all about vampires. They sparkle in the sunlight, they never drink blood, and they listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Duh.
BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)
* * * * *
Scene 7
ALICE: There's Edward! He's standing in the doorway of that church, revealing himself to the crowd!
BELLA: Edward! Stop! Put your shirt back on!
EDWARD: You don't want people to know I'm a vampire?
BELLA: No, it's just that after spending so much time with Jacob I'm embarrassed for you.
ARO: Edward, your girlfriend knows too much. She must be killed.
ALICE: Wait! I had a vision! In the future, Bella is a vampire, too.
EDWARD: Spoiler alert!
ARO: Well, why didn't you say you were thinking of converting? That changes everything! Mazel tov!
BELLA: My parents will be disappointed, but it's for the best. Interfaith marriages are so difficult.

* * * * *

Scene 8
JACOB: Oh good, you're back from Italy, and you brought a heroin addict with you. No, wait, that's Edward.
EDWARD: Cram it, Teen Wolf. Bella is mine now, and she doesn't need some mangy mutt slobbering all over her.
JACOB: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
EDWARD: I don't like you now!
(JACOB becomes a wolf, lunges at EDWARD; EDWARD swats him on the nose)
EDWARD: Bad dog! Bad dog!
BELLA: (thinking) Where do his pants go, anyway?
EDWARD: Fetch, boy! (throws a rock; JACOB runs after it)
Bella, I'll agree to turn you into a vampire, but only on two conditions. First, you have to marry me.
BELLA: OK. What's the second one?
EDWARD: No pets.

(Fade to black; roll credits; pump theaters with Axe Body Spray to neutralize the dangerous levels of estrogen.)

The hills are alive

Oh darling. I have auditioned for and am now part of a pilot musical production.

I will be playing Judge One. And sentence Johan de Witt to death. Yes, this will be right up my alley.

I have about ten lines and a whole shitload of songs, but it'll be worth it. Especially since I'll be doing the PR as well.

---

Tomorrow will be Movies to Make You Cringe day. In other words, Merel, her friend Karen and I will be laughing our way through New Moon. Can't wait for that (/sarcasm). However, I was glad to see a (albeit badly cut) trailer for Remember Me today - at least one of the Twilight actors CAN act, as it turns out. Now we really know for sure that it has to do with the books, I guess.

(I've read New Moon three times - but will never admit to it. NEVER)

----

Yannick is doing GREAT. Bless him. And bless the bit of rest my mother heart gets.

----

GM might be coming here, actually HERE WHERE I LIVE, this summer. The mere prospect has me smiling like a crazed Twi-Hard looking at Robsten pictures.

----

I miss you. I miss the States. There's a financial benefit in the works that will help me to do something about that.

2010 is going to kick ass.

You could make the sun grow dark just by walking away

My brother ran away last Monday, after leaving a suicide note at his dorm. His girlfriend felt weird that he didn't call her after her exam and went up to his house and found it. I spent all day yesterday in the north of the Netherlands looking for clues as to where he might have gone. At the end of the day the police told us that he was found. Alive, but definitely not well.

I'm not ready yet to tell much more about it here and do not know if I'll ever be. I'm incredibly grateful that he is alive and tremendously sad that he felt that there was no way out anymore. And crushingly anxious about the road that is ahead of him.

This is one hell of a year, that's for sure.

I am such a slob when it comes to this blog. I blame facebook, really. It's nice to just hastily spit out one or two sentences to tell the world what you are thinking - which isn't a whole lot to begin with - instead of writing paragraph after paragraph while knowing you are going nowhere with anything you are saying. But my blog, which started at the now very dead greylogs.com and has seen many forms since, holds a very special place in my heart. I started it right after I joined nancies (curse you, RLC), which is why it has always been in English. Bad English. Benglish, there you go. And it has allowed me to keep in touch with some extraordinary folks - including yourself.

I haven't been up to much, really. I've been working (duh), taking care of the boy (duh) and I've been writing that 'novel', if you may call it that. The only complication in that respect is turning out to be the death of it. I need a lot of imagination for this plot and that's kind of hard to keep tapping into when live merely consists of errands, more errands, trivial work stuff that needs my attention no matter how trivial for the sake of keeping my job and the constant, immense, insane worry about my little boy who is the light of my world, and has now found a new way to keep me tossing and turning - he strangles, bites, kicks and slaps any other kid that comes near him. Awesome, no?

But that 'novel', which probably won't ever see the public light of day, is even more important to me than this blog. The motives in it are some of the issues that I feel the most passionate about (the injustice of modern democracy, music, mental growth slash platoism (I hope that's a word in English, not just Benglish) and most of all friendship slash love). It's hard not to write it entirely in Benglish by the way. Some parts of it are in Benglish - the correspondence is. Oooh, I'm such a tease, aren't I?

Anyway, on with the practical: I'm leaving for Naples/Napels/Napoli in November for an extended weekend, got my tickets for an awesomest Blof show in December (happy birthday to me) and I haven't had sex since January. I haven't had any great sex since I can't remember. Does that bother me? It's starting to. Most of all, I miss having a crush. Being in love, I can do without right now. I just really would like to really like someone.

I'm 36 and look like I haven't slept in 100 years, I know. Shut up.

In other, somewhat related news: I accidently weighed myself when we took the boy to the pediatrician. He wouldn't get on the scale so we just weighed me, me with him and presto, there was boys weight. And presto again, there was my weight, for the first time since I was sixteen. Yes, I have not weighed myself since I was sixteen. I never said I don't have any issues. Anyway, I'm three kilos heavier than back when I was sixteen. I'm not complaining. And will never quite smoking again. HAHAHAHA. Just kidding.

Am I?

I love you!

More whine. What else?

Not much to report.

The floor is fixed, so that's good. This weekend will be all about getting the place in order. And getting a new stove/furnace, since my current one short circuited the other day. After a week of microwave food, I cannot wait to cook something decent again.

Yannick is not doing too great. He's been attacking the other kids in daycare and just overall won't listen and throws fits. I'm very worried about him. I can't write too much about it because I'll start to cry.

I am on my second week having my period. Isn't one of the perks of a period (of time), that it has an end??? Where's my end??? People say I should see a doctor about it. I just had it with doctors though. What is he going to tell me? Good luck and wait what happens next month, is my guess.

After an incident related to the above paragraph last week, I managed to attend my new pilates class this week. Although I could not get the worries out of my head (see second paragraph), it did do me a lot of good. I'm staying at this class and I'll try to plan some time to do extra excersises at home.

I am fully aware that my pity party for one is lasting way too long by the way. I do not know how to snap out of it. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I'm suffering from a mild depression. But since the whole world is already medicalising everything, I'm just going to say that I need a good firm kick in the butt.

Love you all.

Anyone seen my optimism?

I seem to have lost it. It's a pretty vital part of my personality, if not the backbone, if not the heart. So if you happen to see it, please send it back to me.

As for an update...

- The doctor's visit with Yannick went... inconclusive. She says it's pretty much a 50/50 percent thing. He could either grow out of the door obsession and the echoing, or it could get worse. If it does, in a years time we will start with some tests. For now, we are just enjoying the little kid and his endless enthusiasm (maybe HE stole my optimism. Darnit).

- The apartment is nowhere near done. There's a leak underneath the floor and they pulled out half of it (the floor). It's still open because the ground underneath first has to dry. Which means my furniture is stacked to the walls and Yannick cries every time he comes home with me. He wants to go to the old house or his dad's. Awesome, no?

- I went to a Coldplay show on Thursday and it rocked my world. They played Lost, I was happy. Lost is my divorce song. I mean... it's the most fitting, don't you think? Anyway, when I first left the husband, this was the song that was on repeat for a long while.

I hardly ever go to SHOW shows. With videos playing, butterflies flying, balls bouncing and fireworks popping, I mean. And I liked it. Total lazy entertainment, great music (shut up) and Chris' sweat splattering against my cheek (I was pretty close). Okay, maybe I could have done without the sweat, but it was still great.

- I'm saving up (as soon as the ridiculous amounts of cash stops disappearing from my wallet) for some sort of new laser treatment for my skin. I know, I'm vain. Please shut up. I'm 36 years old and I'm really, really tired of my skin getting more and more 'youthful'. God, when I was in high school, I had one zit each month (yes, at that time). That was it! Now? You can call Neil Armstrong and tell him there's a new moon to discover on my face.

Whine. Bitch. Repeat.

Again.

I'D REALLY LIKE TO BE HAPPY AND CHIPPER. But first I need to find my optimism. Stat.

I'm probably the last one to find this, but fuck it

Thanks for making my day, Matt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY

Nonononononono. No.

Sitting at work, and all I want to do is cry. For no apparent reason. Not good. Really really not good.

The last thing I need right now is a burnout. However small.

Time to make a serious effort to catch up on some sleep I guess. And take a couple of days off. Which I can't do because my staff is enjoying their ridiculously long vacations. Four weeks, five weeks, sure... Bastards.

The GoGoGo Week (6/30 - 7/7) - Part One

Y'all know how I can bitch and whine about being tired and stressed out. Well, I needed a week off work and off school and off mommy duties and off the Divorce and relax instead. Of course, I immediately packed this week with planes, trains and automobiles in order to follow the Band that is Back around Europe. Here's a little report on the week and how much fun and exhausting it really was.

Tuesday - Crown Princess opens our latest project

Yes. This was supposed to be the second day of my vacation. But. We had invited the Crown Princess of the Netherlands (Her Royal Highness Princess Máxima of the Netherlands is her full title) to come open our latest project. And to our astonishment, she accepted the invitation. I was in charge of this event, and it completely bit my ass. It's like Michelle Obama visiting your work. And you're in charge of everything. And your everyday work isn't magically disappearing either. Maybe that will give you an idea of the workload.

Another wonderful aspect of this day, was that is was also the deadline for our annual report. Great. Sure, I can do that. I'll just clone myself.

At the end of the day, the event turned out to be a great success and the annual report was online and at the printer. And I couldn't do anything anymore but cry and pack my suitcase.




The Princess and the Mayor of The Hague








Wednesday - We're off to Paris because that's where the Band that is Back, is.

End 2008, at work, I met Merel. Merel is our favorite new freelancer who helps us out whenever the budget permits (because we always need help anyway). Merel likes good movies and great music, so I figured I'd give her ticket to the Paris show, maybe make her a new fan.

So wee early Wednesday morning, Merel and I drive off to Paris. We get there by 11.30 or so, but of course then the real fun starts and it takes us another hour to get to the parking lot. Our hotel turned out to be great (cheap/clean/friendly staff /good location) and we set out to meet Alethea and Sarah. All of us head to the venue where a line is already forming.

I'm having luxury problems. I have four tickets (two balcony and two floor), and I just need three. I was supposed to swap the two balcony tickets for one floor with a Dutch DMB fan, but he bailed on me last minute. And acted like that didn't matter at all. Even when I had to sell my ticket for 15 euros. Fuck him though. The Band that is Back is back and that's pretty much all that matters.

After saying hi to Bobbo and his friend Anne-Sophie and getting something to eat, we see a looooooooong ass line. We decide to take the balcony seats. Since Bobbo is taping and can't get his stand in, I give him my third row tickets so he can tape the microphone to the rail. With my now sixth row tickets, I manage to sneak Sarah and Alethea in to the balcony. Sarah babysits Bobbo's gear and Alethea takes an empty front row seat.

I fucking rock. Really.

And then the Band that is Back comes on stage. In L'Olympia, almost as legendary as Paradiso in Amsterdam. And I want to cry.

[Let me get this in right quick: I cry a LOT when I'm tired. People who know me and my jetlags can attest to that. Sorry.]

I want to cry because he's really not there. And while I know this is old news and to only now realize it is profoundly silly, I really hate it. And I really hate Jef Coffin for a split second. That is, until his first solo.

I read boards. I know what y'all are saying. That the Euro setlists were boring. That they better bring it at Alpine. That they need to bring back [insert Keep Dreaming song]. Basically everything that makes me wonder how far your spoiled little heads are up your asses.

The Band is Back. They are having fun. They are radiating energy. They are pouring out happiness. They are making Good Music.

No, it's not Blue Water >> Digging a Ditch >> Help Myself >> Halloween or what the fuck ever. It's mostly BWATGGK and I. Fucking. Love. It. So quit bitchting and shut up :)

We're all having a ball. The crowd & Carter & Dave & Tim & Rashawn & Jef & Stefan.

But not the Sad Man formerly known as Boyd. I worry about Boyd. Is he under the weather? Depressed? Homesick? On his period? Not good.

At the end of the show, Carter throws about 5 sticks at Alethea before she catches it, we go to the Latin Quarter where Bobbo and Anne-Sophie cannot find us while we are enjoying a Snakebite and that wrapped up night 1 of my little DMB tour. Result: a little mourning, a little worry, a little confusion, shitloads of fun and a new fan: Merel.




Next stop: Rotterdam.

I'm having a guy moment here

Jake Gyllenhaal (I hope I spelled that right) is a great actor.

And the best part about him is that he's so fucking hot, it makes me want to cry.

Friday night movie night - Harry Potter gazillion

Ah, Harry Potter. The Potter. Potty. Potterus. Every now and then, an author stands up, writes a masterpiece (or seven) and gets kids to read again. When that masterpiece is not only a thrilling and captivating story, but also excellent children's literature, what more can we ask for?

A circus. Apparently.

Video games, dolls, board games, wands, capes, hats, stickers, key chains, pants, caps, underwear. Etcetera. And movies.

I've seen them all. And with the exception of number 4, I was disappointed. This time was no different. I was excited to finally see it, and unsatisfied the whole way through and the entire way home from the theater. The next day I realized why - once again, it didn't live up to my (weird) expectations. I guess I still secretly hope that this time, they will do the right thing. But once more, it was one big inside joke fest, rushing through the story because 2.25 hours was the most the studio would allow and they had to cram in the essentials because of the grande finale, which apparently will get the necessary two instalments.

And I will see them. And be excited to. And secretely hate them.

Thank God we still have the books. Can't wait until Yannick is old enough. Hopefully he'll let me read them to him.

Hit me baby, one more time

I owe this one to Alethea and her sign (and a bunch of fingers pointing frantically in my direction). Don't look at the sweat, please.

Copyright Sarah

Livorno - where you have to pay to dip your toes.






















Hard ass





























I know - I just couldn't find my white bra anywhere. At the Ponte del Vecchio, Florence




















Enjoying a Bruno's Special in Santa Maria Novella, Florence



























She's cute.





























First night in Lucca - one of the best meals I had in a while. Great bottle of wine, too.

Last week, when I was running and flying and training and driving and most of all, not sleeping, I thought: "It's just one week - I'll catch up on my sleep next week".

Until I found out that Yannick's new idea of 7 AM is actually 5 AM. Ha. Haha. HAHAHAHAHA.

Help...

A letter to Caleb: Kings of Leon in Rotterdam, The Netherlands

Ahoy, Rotterdam, The Netherlands - July 2, 2009

Dear Caleb Followill,

Everyone has their good days and their bad days.

No matter how much money you make, when it’s uncomfortably hot in a 10K capacity venue, filled to the rim with people coming and paying to see and hear you - the heat is still uncomfortable. I get that.

When you just got off a, say, one hour flight from London but with 7 hours time difference to make up for, you will start your show feeling very tired. Even if you flew first class and maybe took some Benadryl. Truely, I get that.

When your breakthrough as a band comes only after the fourth album you made and the venues you play at are not as super responsive to Taper Jean Girl as they are to Use Somebody, that might occassionally bum you out. I also get that.

So some days, you might feel a little grumpy. We all have our off days at work. You’re a person, just like everybody else. Yet you and your band manage to produce an excellent sound, which is an achievement in a crappy venue with crappy accoustics like Ahoy, Rotterdam, The Netherlands. Your music is tight, you’re playing a stellar setlist and making all the right moves for an hour. No exceptional highlights, except for maybe a notable uplift in the band’s spirits during Charmer and The Bucket - overall everything is equally done very well. I applaude you.

Now let me tell you about MY day.

I was in Paris and after very little sleep, I left the city of light early in the morning just and only to get to Rotterdam in time for your show - I was leaving again the next day to go to Italy. After spending over six hours in a very hot car with bad air conditioning, I meet up with my friends. Friends that I have told all about you and your band. For months, we have been anticipating this day. Some of my friends only have Only by the night in their CD collection, but they are just as excited to go to Rotterdam as us, say, a little more informed fans are.

After a quick nap and an even quicker shower, I make it to the venue in time. I’m on the floor, way to the left, but in the front and close to a beer stand. I’ve had worse ’seats’, so I’m happy.

The venue is hot. Very, very hot. I’m tired. Very, very tired. That’s okay though, I’m glad to be there. Glad to finally see Kings of Leon live. You’re going to make it all worthwhile, I’m sure of it.

Promptly, you guys come on stage at 9.15 PM and start with Notion. The crowd loves it. Everybody I can see (which is most of the floor and the bleachers directly opposite of me) loves it. Despite the heat, we’re dancing and singing and howling. Sure, there are some people way up in the bleachers that stay seated.
I’ve had those seats before. It’s hard because not everyone will stand up and you feel forced to sit down so you won’t block their view. Some people are just all about remaining on their ass, some people are just as much into the music as the floor but unable to stand, or pregnant, or whatever. Point in case: bleachers at Ahoy suck.

You’re not a very interactive performer. That’s okay. I’m here to be entertained by your music, not witty punchlines. But after a couple of songs, you start talking. How we’re a funny crowd. How you have had a long journey, you could have stayed home, but you came just for this show (bullshit - you were doing a couple of other gigs in Europe before and after) and people shouldn’t be so lazy. How Kings of Leon deserves respect for all their work, rather than just Only by the Night. How you’re going to leave the stage if you see one person sitting during the next song (Sex on Fire). E-t-c-e-t-e-r-a.

Dear Caleb. I came to your show on my own free will. I paid 45 euros to get in, but it was my own choice. I could have gone to another show, or stay in Paris, or get to Italy a day earlier, but I chose to see you and be bitched at instead. Nobody forced me, it’s not like you owe me anything. But that goes both ways. You chose to be in a band. You chose to play a bigger venue. You chose to play in bloody flippin’ hot Rotterdam on July 2, 2009. With that in mind, you could have chosen to at least give us a one song encore. Yet you didn’t. You could have figured that only a fun show will get an overheated crowd going even more, yet you chose to bitch and whine for an hour. I was dancing my ass off early in the show, Caleb. Yet somehow, you managed to get me more and more OUT of it, even though your music is superb.

You told us that you expect the best of us because you expect the best from yourself. If that is the case, I can recommend a big fat smack on your head. Because you were cruisin’ for a bruisin’ like a two year old. Instead, one person threw a little plastic cup of beer at your legs, which made you decide that the other 9.999 people did not deserve an encore.I won’t say this easily, but next time just shut the f*ck up and play. I promise you it’ll be a more pleasant experience for all parties involved.

Love,
Esther

Setlist:
Notion
Be Somebody
Taper Jean Girl
My Party
Molly’s Chambers
Red Morning Light
Fans
California Waiting
Closer
Crawl
Four Kicks
Charmer
Sex On Fire
The Bucket
On Call
Cold Desert
Use Somebody

We're gonna have a good time

It's my dad's birthday by the way. 10 years today was the last time I got to celebrate it with him. I'm not crying or making a big deal out of it - it's just that I miss him tremendously right now. Will we ever stop being kids?

Happy birthday daddy, hope Lennon is singing to you up on your cloud.

Stress

Seriously. Annual report. Social annual report. Short term, mid term, long term strategy. Crown princess visiting. New board. Reorganisation. Chiropractor. 2 3/4 year old. Wackos galore. Yoga. New couch. Lifting new couch. (hence chiropractor). Running. Running. Running.

July first cannot come here soon enough.

Friday Movie Night - Let the Right One in

I saw this one perhaps three weeks ago. But was too busy to blog about it (or about anything else) (so you're busy Esther? Blablabla we heard it all before shut up already!).

Anyway... it was fantastic. It's subtitled (I hope on your end as well - nothing like the singing cadance of Swedish language to accompany the blood and gore), the cinematography is breath taking and the very young actors did a really great job. It's about a boy who meets and falls for a vampire girl. Sound familiar? Well, it's nothing like that other vampire movie. It's bloodier, more mysterious, no annoying high school themes and somehow much more romantic.

So there. I told you about it. Knowing you will never see it. But whatever.

What a way to make a livin'

Did I mention 'ridiculously busy at work'?

To make up for my lack of blogging:

War. Good God y'all

I'm at war so I do not have a lot of time to post. Let's settle for a quick update, shall we?

- Still negotiating partner alimony. Next meeting has to wait until June (sigh).
- Ridiculously busy at work.
- Ridiculously.
- RIDICULOUS!!
- Apparently, in the Netherlands Grey's Anatomy's season ends with episode 18. GOD.
- People have such an idealized image of Paris. It's alright - it's just that Italy is so much better (or Spain, for that matter).
- The weed jokes coming with foreigners attending the show in Amsterdam have started. I'm annoyed. But that's an easily accomplished state of mind, these days.
- I'm making a care package. I actually have the box and two of the gifts in my house. Think I'll make it work, this time?
- I plan to follow Sarah's example and not worry about money involved with week 1 of July. I just plan to soak in the bliss of that fun-packed week.
- I had a dream about the main character of 'my book'. I didn't know it when I was writing, but he looks like a celebrity. Which is fitting, since in the book, he is a celebrity. Anyway, I will never tell which celebrity he takes after. Ha!
- My credit card and me are on the loose tonight. I plan to get at least one pair of jeans that fit. And a business ensemble for the event that's kicking my ass to a pulp, due end of June.
- What follows after "Ha, ha, ha, whoops!"? "Uh-oh!"

You can read it on the sign

In other news: the house is sold. Bittersweet, bittersweet.

And the bitch goes on

You know, you don't want to hear this. It's more bitching about uninteresting stuff, so don't read.

Yesterday; another meeting with the divorce mediator. The difference in income I need to pay him is little over 400 euros. Then there's his debt from college, which will cost me another 100 euros a month. So I'll be paying him over 500 euros a month. The upside is that we will split the costs for our son 50/50.

The discussion focuses on the number of years I will be paying him partner alimony. He was already working parttime before our son came into the world (because he wanted to work less), but started working 28 instead of 32 hours a week, after our son was born.

My reasoning: three years of working parttime equals three years of partner alimony. These three years are also a period in which he can work on his career and reach his full potential.

His reasoning: I have sacrificed so much, I should be getting five years of partner alimony.

It's an impasse. And I'm sitting there, trying to see his side. Every time I do, something inside me screams NO! NO! NO!. I don't know why - it's just money. If it were the food processor, I wouldn't think twice about it. But no - I would. That's why I got the mixer, right?
I think it has to do with the reasoning. I am getting really fed up with hearing that he has done more when we were renovating the house, while I was sitting on my fat ass and studied (which my work paid for) (and my ass wasn't fat) (and I worked fulltime, he didn't work at all back then and I studied fulltime and I did work on the house whenever possible). That he has sacrificed his career in order to take care of the (best) kid (in the world) - something he desperately wanted to do. That our relationship is what drove him to become an alcoholic and depressed (yeah, new tune). And that I basically lived like a goddess in France and that he made all of that possible.

It really, really makes me want to scream out loud that I managed to get a degree and worked my way up (a little) despite him, not because of him. That it doesn't exactly help in the work department when your head is at home, wondering what mess you will find this time when you'll get home. But screaming all of that really wouldn't help, so I won't. I don't want to get down to his level.

So it's an impasse. And he says that we will have to work it out "in a different way" - which means that he wants to take it to the lawyers and to court. I know, because I've heard that one every time I even remotely disagree on something. The mediator reminded him that that wouldn't be in the kid's interest. And I'm thinking: really, take it to court. See how far that will get you. Because then all the dirt will be on the table. I don't think it'll be in your best interest, dude.

And then I'm thinking: I wish it was over and done with. Has it come to this, really? Having to put my foot down because he wants the food processor, the pans, the mixer, the car (a gift from my mom to me, but never mind) AND five years of alimony? Or should I just give him what he wants and move on?
Isn't it just fucking sad? Shouldn't everything be about the (best) kid (in the world) and not about stupid fucking money?

God.

Hang on while I bitch for a second

When you have been condemned to wherever your car will take you for every vacation because your spouse is afraid of flying, when you haven't been able to take your spouse to your second home country because he is afraid of flying, when you had to cancel a surprise weekend trip because your spouse is afraid of flying, it really is fucking awesome when your spouse cheerfully tells you he will take his new girlfriend to Sweden, by plane.

Reasons to smile

July 1: DMB in Paris
July 2: KoL in Rotterdam
July 5: DMB in Lucca
July 7: DMB in Amsterdam

Best reason to smile: Sarah is going to be there too!

I did it

My first yoga class is scheduled for next Thursday. *nods*

Another reason I need yoga:


I hunch! I'll be living in the Notre Dame within two years if I keep going at this rate.

Let's get physical

I need to work out.

I think we can come to the conclusion that my body isn't going to jump back into its24 year old version, although I have the same size as my 24 year old self. I am really a 36 year old mom, thinner or not.

When the fuck did this happen? You mean I can't get away with getting fat and then losing it once again without any consequence, anymore? Seriously?

My stomach is still out and not in. My chest looks like I was a chicken in a previous life. My arms are not keeping pace with that chest. My ass is flat. FLAT. I made a deal with God, years ago. Since I didn't inherit my mothers fabulous legs, I wouldn't inherit her lack of ass either. Way to get back on your word, God. I think I deserve a bikini summer, dude, not sweating what's left of my ass off in a supportive bathing suit.

But yeah - either I win the lottery and pay a visit to the plastic surgeon or I need to start working out.

I did start to run every morning this week. Not that that will really help me getting my ass back. I just woke up really early one morning (darn birds chirping their heads off), decided to raid my wardrobe once again looking for clothes that aren't too big and came across my old shock absorber (really, hamster). Tried it on, acknowledged it fit me once more, put on the running shoes that had been collecting dust under my bed ever since I bought them and went out.

It felt amazing. Not that I'm not terribly, TERRIBLY out of shape. I only run for 15 minutes each morning (and 3-5 minutes of those are spent on stretching). But the effect is pretty stiff. I feel more energized then I have in months.
There's a yoga/pilates studio around the corner from my house. Make the call and sign up Esther. Do it, do it, do it.

a pre-order

I pre-ordered Big Whiskey etc. today. But not the CD. Just for my I-pod.

I feel like such a traitor. It's a gnawing feeling. A new release and I'm settling for MP3.

However, 14.99 for the CD and 16.00 for shipping? Are you kidding me? So I'll wait for the Dutch record stores to wake up in about half a year and import the darn thing.

I'm cheap. I know.

Friday Movie Night: Buddha collapsed out of shame

... I don't know. I think it would be too much for all you Hollywood people (ha, ha, ha). Thick with metaphores, obviously no budget, hardly any action.

Beautiful.

So what is it about? As if you want to know. Nevertheless - it's about a little girl in Afghanistan (5? Maybe 6? How did that find her?) who wants to go to school. In order to be able to attend class, she needs a pen and a notebook. She doesn't have either and she certainly doesn't have any money. The film is about her struggle to obtain pen and paper and her way to school (and back). That's it. Just that.

Finally some good news for the kid

Thanks for the link, Meeks.

Dreaming about a place I'll never see

I got the mixer. Do I feel victorious? No.

I've become an expert in keeping a poker face. Letting things slide off my back, just to keep the peace and not push him too far. He's been so unpredictable, I do not dare to trust any of his moods yet - even though his current mood is giddy. He has a new girlfriend, he's in love with her and he is freed of the "worst marriage ever". Sure, whatever you say, good for you. Want more coffee?

In the meantime, I need to find a way to vent because once again, my balancing on this rope is starting to take its toll. I'm still losing weight and god knows me getting underweight is not around the corner, nor the next five, but the speed with which I'm losing weight is kind of frightening. There's only one, 1, O-N-E pair of trousers left that does not fall off my ass as soon as I put them on. Thank god I'm such a hamster, because at least I've been holding on to all my old tops from the age of 25. It's not that it doesn't look good, it's just that it's all at such speed. Where'd you go, fat? (Of course, my tummy will never be the same either way. You can still see that I carried a toddler in it for nine months).

(I need to shut up - I finally get back my old weight and here I am whining about it).

In more fun news - I've been invited to go to San Diego in September and travel up north after (hitting LA, Santa Barbara, Santa Cruz and of course good old SF). I might do it - depends on whether I can afford to fly back home via another city. Or two.

In less fun news - partner alimony (so NOT the costs for Yannick - we split that 60/40): 50% of my net available salary, for the duration of five years. What do you think? I think that's a bit long for three years of marriage.

want to hear something good?

I got a promotion. I am now manager of my team.

F
I
N
A
L
L
Y
.

No complaining though - it's pretty awesome considering the state of the world these days.

I really want to update...

... but I'm too busy fighting over the damn mixer.

AAAAAAAAH!

Rocking less hard - but still rocking

I'm taking a moment to grief.


- I'm not going to Rock Werchter -


Yes, it's pretty shocking. But the main reasons for going were DMB and KOL and since that last band is coming to Rotterdam on July 2nd... I'd rather enjoy the full sets and have my own shower the next morning as well. Plus, I'm be travelling all over the place July 1st through July 8th as it is. Plus, I might fly out to Lucca for another DMB show on the 5th and it would all just be a little too much.

Don't say it's my age. DO NOT SAY IT'S MY AGE!!!

In other news, Gina and her mom made me cry. I got (yet another) sweet care package for me and Yannick, with lovely, touching notes from both of them.

We had a first meeting with the divorce mediator last Thursday. I wish everything would be over and done with. I think I'm ready to move on, now. Although we're not living together anymore, I'm tired of the instability of still being tied together (both on paper as well as financially) - the constant knot in the pit of my stomach (hi S. ;)) reminds me that everything we have negotiated so far can blow up in my face, as long as the whole thing isn't finalized.

Patience, Esther, patience.

You know you make me wanna shout

Well. That was interesting.

I had my first hysterical episode yesterday. at least, I think that's what it was. I'm not a psychologist though, so i'm just making this stuff up. It felt like hysteria, lets keep it at that.

It's just that I'm so, so, so tired. I'm tired of being tired. I think that everything that is coming out now, every little shit detail, revelation, hardship, emotion that is getting in line in my head for some long overdue acknowledgement, is just burning up my energy reserves at full speed. And the fact that my little boy slept two hours a night this weekend due to a wonderful sinus infection, doesn't really help either in the tired department.

(It's still my goal for 2009 to become untired. I'm just getting with the program, O. Patience.)

So when the husband came home yesterday to stay with his son for a couple of days and just kept on complaining, pushing, nagging, whining - all I could do was get the hell out of there, before I would loose it in front of my kid. I think my lack of attention (I had to focus too hard to keep my eyes open), instigated his unreasonable behavior. But usually I can take his moodswings better, let it slide off me like water on a raincoat. Now I was shaking all over in my car on the way to my parents'. And when I got there, and started to tell how I was feeling...

Yowzers.

Crying and laughing hysterically at the same time, not being able to catch my breat, snot coming out of my nose.

It all lasted maybe 5 minutes, and I felt completely relieved afterwards, but I hope it's not going to be a returning event.

In other news, after the divorce and after I have paid an enormous amount of money to get a new TV, washing machine, ironing board, pots and pans, etc. etc., I'll be saving up for a short trip to y'all. I was thinking I've earned it, it'll do me a lot of good and admit it, you want to see this wreck for yourself. So I'm hoping this fall!

Prepare to start hating me

The Werchter line-up so far (although I need to note that I'll be skipping the last day. I do need some time to prepare myself for "DMB at HMH"). I'm pretty all over the place about the entire line-up, but highlighted the acts I'm really over-the-top excited about.

Thursday 2 July 2009
Main Stage: The Prodigy | Oasis | Placebo | Dave Matthews Band | Lily Allen
Pyramid Marquee: Tiga | Pendulum | Laurent Garnier | Fleet Foxes | Emiliana Torrini

Friday 3 July 2009
Main Stage: Coldplay | The Killers | Bloc Party | Elbow | Amy Macdonald | Just Jack
Pyramid Marquee: Lady Gaga | Jason Mraz | The Streets | M. Ward | Priscilla Ahn | Henry Rollins Spoken Word

Saturday 4 July 2009
Main Stage: 2manydjs | Kings of Leon | Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds | Franz Ferdinand | Limp Bizkit | Social Distortion
Pyramid Marquee: Katy Perry | Mogwai

Sunday 5 July 2009
Main Stage: Metallica | Nine Inch Nails | Kaiser Chiefs | The Mars Volta | Seasick Steve | Mastodon
Pyramid Marquee: Flaming Lips | Röyksopp | Ghinzu | The Hickey Underworld

The colors kept mixing together to grey

I really did plan to not blog anymore. I really did not see the point, knowing that it would not be in the interest of my son's privacy to blog about the stuff that is keeping me occupied these days. I really haven't been blogging about some important things for about three years in the first place.

But a friend told me that I should share more instead of sharing even less. And he's probably right. If I have had one major insight the last couple of months, it's that holding things in, will result in them eating you alive. Or bloat you to the size of a beached whale, in my case. And 'coincidently', after I finally started telling the tale, I have mysteriously lost two sizes and I'm slowly starting to look like me again.
So here I am once again, in cyberspace, spilling my gut in my lame English.

What's going on?, you might ask. Nothing special, really.
I'm just getting divorced.

I'm not the first and won't be the last and here, it happens to every third of marriages (over there where you are, even half I believe). But obviously, it is very important to me. Otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about it at the risk of it being read by the wrong eyes (although I took a lot of precautions this time around). Otherwise I wouldn't have invited all of you into my problems. And I am not planning on this blog to be a pity party where I will go on about everything tragic for months in a row. It will be a continuation of my old blog, just somewhere else, somewhere more private and definitely somewhere more honest.

So why am I getting a divorce?
Because my husband is an alcoholic, for starters.

First, when it started three years ago, there was shock. But now the clock says that a gazillion ignored warnings, pleas, threats etc. have passed. After having seemingly tried everything, I caved in and decided to leave. For my son and for myself. Divorce was never an option for me, until it became very evident that life would not get better and he would not change, but life could be beautiful and wonderful again, if I changed. I want my son to experience life as an open playfield, not as a barred secret.

That's it for now. But,

I'm back :)

bye y'all

as soon as i've figured out a way to archive all of my posts here, i'm closing this blog. i'm not in the position anymore (nor have i been for a very long time now), to write about what's truely going on in my life. so i don't see the point anymore.

i've got facebook for the english speakers, hyves for the dutch speakers and if i really need to share something, there's always e-mail. as for my opinions, notes, crazy ideas and plotlines - the novel i've been meaning to write is getting more solidified in my head, so i should save the 'writing energy' for that.

so that's that! thanks for reading, see you somewhere else in cyberspace.

monday movie night: doubt

i could utter all sorts of 'funny' play on words with the title of this movie, but... i will not. i respect any endeavour to make a good movie. it must be a pretty hard task and sometimes, all the right stuff to make a great flick is there, but it just doesn't work. i think what went wrong is that they didn't add any 'cinematographic added value' to an original play. and a play-on-screen is much too deviating (not in a good way, obviously); it lacks the actual presence of the actors.

okay. blah blah blah. really. seriously?

meryl and seymour (my next husband) were great. more than great. fantastic. but i didn't feel it. too much hood and too little angle. SORRY!!!

i'll go stand in the corner now.

work

the view



the desk

me and dmb (it rhymes)

i lived across the street from my high school. my stepdad used to say that whenever he'd look outside the window, he would see a 1000 esthers. i hated that he denied my self-acclaimed individuality that way, but he was probably right. us girls all had long hair, which we would flip to one side, we all wore levi's 501-s and cowboy boots under an oversized men's shirt and we all had bomber jackets.

i thought i was different though, mostly because i didn't have wham or madonna posters on my wall. i was never a stereotype teenage fan. i wouldn't scream at the sight of some 20 year old popstar. instead, i listened to eric clapton, the dire straits and blues music. lots and lots of blues. more blues. there's something disturbing about that. a pristine girl wailing along to lyrics about alcohol, unemployment, slavery, unrequitted love (okay, the latter was right up my alley until i hit 16).

me and the girls would go to local blues bars where we would sport our identical teen looks amidst a 40+ (and usually pretty drunk) crowd. ah - but this is the netherlands. no harm, no foul. the crowd just looked at us with a mixture of annoyance and amusement - we just avoided their gaze and looked at the stage, bobbing our heads in hope of looking like we belonged there.

i was pretty arrogant about it, too. what *i* listened to, was *real* music. whatever song hit #1 in the charts was immediately labeled as crap. seriously, i was such a brat. god. i was lazy though. growing up among musicians and being the spawn of a music library on legs, i was used to people supplying me with "new" stuff on a regular basis. so i basically let others determine my taste after all.

being lazy and too arrogant for mainstream radio (alternative timeslots were way past my bedtime), i missed out on some terrific stuff. mind you, this was back when the internet only existed in an 8-cornered building in a country far, far away. rock stars were still rock stars (and not public property). they were people who lived in exotic places like england and the states and they were above and beyond anything ordinary. once in a while, if i got lucky, they would grace our tiny spot on the planet with a visit. and if they did, you but all peed your pants but kept a smooth face because that was the cool thing to do.

i guess i made up for all of that 10+ years later when i finally became a 'real fan'. karma turned out to be a bitch. i paid back for all my teenage arrogance when the object of my fan(aticism)hood wouldn't come over to do a show or two. instead, i had to wait and wait until i finally had enough money and time off work in order to fly across the world to see 'my' band live. and it turned out to be all worth it, because there's nothing like seeing your first show of your favorite band at the most beautiful outdoor venue in the world.

but you all know this story.

i'm not the fan anymore that i was in 2002. 'my' band will always be one of my favorite bands, but i'm just not cut out for obsession and this one exception could therefor never last long. yesterday, when i was on my way home from work, i listened to d&t @ paradiso on my ipod and #41 came on. and i skipped it. i SKIPPED it. that may seem like nothing, but seriously? that's a really big deal for me. but it doesn't end there: in a flash, i thought "wow, i never noticed this song is kind of boring". total and utter blasphemy! my cheeks turned purple with shame.

so i'll still be there, front row, if they ever make it back (well, 4 of them at least).
i'm still very curious about the new album.
i'll want to see another show in the states (preferably before i die, thanks).
i'm forever grateful for the experience of the extatic feeling being a 'real fan' has brought me.
i'm even more grateful for the friends i have met through this band.

but something, i guess the blindness and ruthlessness of being a 'real fan', has gone. and although it feels bittersweet, i'm also glad about it. i'm too old to be a teenager. i paid my dues and now i can go back to being arrogant and thanks to the internet, find up and coming (or not so up and coming) new musical gems in cyberland from the comfort of my chair. bring it!

read this

awesome

monday movie night: revolutionary road

wow, that was depressing.
and wonderful.

just needed to say that no-one dares to be as ugly as kate (and is a true beauty just the same) and that i do not understand why leonardo isn't equally praised for his part - i thought he did a fantastic job. FANTASTIC.
i want to frame the scene of the 'greatest breakfast ever' and hang it on my wall.

in other news, this morning i slipped on a patch of ice and fell down the stairs, with my bike landing on top of me. i'm now a pretty shade of blue.

i'm sorry i have nothing else to report. i'm going through a tom waits fase and anything i write down feels like the work of a toddler compared to his lyrics. even if i would write in dutch.

sick to the core

belgium is way too close for comfort today.

randomer

random: last class tonight! then i need to finish my paper and the whole prerequisite thing is done.

random: tom cruise is in the netherlands today, for the premiere of valkyrie (von stauffenberg's wife is played by national pride and joy carice van houten).

i think the dutch entertainment reporters haven't been this excited since the ocean's twelve shoot in amsterdam.

random: this month marks 2.5 years i haven't written, painted and/or played the piano. i'm giving myself a month to pick up at least one of those three - it's probably not going to be the last one since i lent my piano to a friend.

and now for something completely different

we have this pretty cool festival in the hague called 'crossing border'. it's a mix of literature, theater, music - basically a lot of culture. there was this band programmed, johnny flynn and the sussex wit, which is quite awesome. their sound is incredibly folksy, so don't check it out if that's not your thing. but if you're in need of something new: http://www.johnnyflynnmusic.co.uk/.

(and now that i'm recommending stuff - the lead singer also happens to have had the lead in the film based on one of my favorite children's book, 'crusade in jeans' by thea beckman. need a present for your 8 to 12 year old nephew/neighbor/cousin/whatever? check out this book. they'll love it! well, i did anyway)

FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK!

it's still freezing...

pity party for one

i did something profoundly stupid with my i-pod and everything is LOST. rare live shows, not so rare live shows i haven't a clue where to find (my friend put them on it). everything is gone.

as;dfhawer;oiyawer.

on a more fun note

it's still freezing over here.

could it be?

could it be?

could it be?

could this last for a while and could all the canals in friesland (a northern province) freeze over and could there finally be another 'eleven-cities' ice skating event??? the biggest and funnest dutch event there ever was???

when it does, i will tell you all about it.

no.

once upon a time, when i was still young and arrogant enough to think that i could make sense of the world, i would take sides. pass judgement along with my ideas of right and wrong. but in the end, right or wrong really do not matter, do they?



i know the opponents in this war will look at these pictures with their own perspectives, they will never see what i see: just a little kid, who could have been any little kid, hurt. people, random everyday people, scared to death.
i've heard both sides accuse the other of staging these scenes, messing with the media. but not now. i've read enough on the matter to know that there is no easy way out (maybe there would be if i could even understand it all).



but again, to be quite frank and honest: it does not matter. in the end, what matters to me is the realization that i have never lived without this happening in the far background, and by the looks of it i will never, in my life, see this crisis come to an end.
i could cry over that. i am, actually.

just like the pre global warming days

© marco nedermeijer 2008

bless you, sarah

i wanted to do a 2008 review, but was too lazy to come up with anything myself - stole this from sarah (and stole some of her answers as well)

Was 2008 good for you? i learned too much to call it bad, but it's not going down as my favorite year either
What was your favorite moment of the year? any time i felt the amazing and unconditional love my son has for me
What was your worst moment of the year? i had to make a few very tough decisions
Where were you when 2008 began? at ellis in utrecht
Who were you with? friends, maarten & yannick
Where were you when 2008 ended? in the hague
Did you keep your new years resolution of 2008? yeah, i did actually
Do you have a new years resolution for 2009? yep - pretty much sticking to last years.
Did you fall in love in 2008? No
Did you breakup with anyone in 2008? no
Did you make any new friends in 2008? actually, i think i did - pretty much a big deal for me. i don't call people my friend easily.
What was your favorite month of 2008? may
Why this month? i went to the states. why else?
Did you travel outside of the US (or your home country) in 2008? states, belgium, france
How many different places did you travel to in 2008? i'm not going to list all the dutch towns (because that's not really fair), but other than the NL; northern california, minneapolis/st. paul, a few small towns in belgium and france
Did you miss anybody in the past year? sure. friends that live far away, yannick when i was in the states. most of all i missed my dad.
What was your favorite song from 2008? on the brink of 2009 it came to me - 'closer'.
How many concerts or plays did you see in 2008? i saw a couple of plays - either classics themselves or based on classic novels. and to my 'chagrin', i think i didn't see any concerts. AT ALL. oh. that's bad. well, that's gonna change.
EDIT: i was highly exaggerating. i did see three shows in 2008. i guess that's not enough to actually remember. but at least it wasn't as bad as i thought.
Did you have a favorite concert in 2008? can we stop talking about concerts now?
What was your favorite book in 2008? i'd like to say 'justice by shards', but if i'm really honest, it's 'new moon'
Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? no, i'm actually rather proud of myself, in hindsight.
What was the biggest lie you told in 2008? ha! hahaha! i'm not ready to share it with the interweb - at least i told some people the truth, at last.
Did you treat somebody badly in 2008? not intentionally.
Did somebody treat you badly in 2008? let’s not go there.
What was your proudest moment of 2008? being brave.
What was your most embarrassing moment of 2008? i probably said something really stupid to someone in the states - i tend to get my foot in my mouth over there.
If you could go back to any moment of 2008 and change something, what would it be? nothing.
Where did you work in 2008? same place as 2007.
Favorite TV shows(s) of 2008? it's gotta be grey's anatomy
Favorite Band(s) of 2008? the usual and KOL
Favorite Food in 2008? italian, as always
Favorite Drink in 2008? coffee, as always
Favorite Place in 2008?

work
Favorite person(s) to be with in 2008? friends and family.
Favorite person(s) to talk to in 2008? my sister-in-law, my mom, my friends
Favorite trip in 2008? the states
Favorite stores in 2008? bijenkorf.
Hardest thing you had to go through in 2008? france.
Most exciting moment(s) in 2008? seeing overseas friends again - finally! coming home after that trip.
Funniest moment(s) in 2008? most of them were at work. i'm blessed with several co-workers with an excellent sense of humor.

one other thing and then another

i just washed my hair and now the towel is red. is that normal?

one other thing

the KOL-deal with the big fat scalper fell through. that's the last time i'm going to (try to) pay more than face for a ticket.




i say that now, right?

smells like teen spirit

i had a (somewhat) relaxed week. i was off work and supposed to work hard on a paper. the biggest hurdle turned out to be having my hair dyed, though. my hair has become very dark the last couple of years and i was spotting some gray (the horror!). so i asked my hair dresser to put in some highlights - "make it golden brown", i said. after he washed out the dye, it was red. RED! so he had to start over... four hours later, i'm a brunette/red head/blonde. whatever. at least it's not boring anymore.

yesterday morning i went to see the ultimate teen movie of 2008, twilight. yes, i did. i went with a girl i met at work. she's even more of an arthouse film lover than i am, so this was going to be good. for the funny review, go to ericdsnider.com. our high- and lowlights were:

- whomever wrote the dutch subtitles should be shot. the translation was beyond bad. to give you one example; when bella has been bitten by james and is frantically impersonating a cross-eyed teen having an orgasm (what's that about?), the subtitle read: 'my HEAD! it's on fire!' - dude, you can SEE that she's bitten in her HAND. seriously.

- the baseball scene was awesome. i'm not a muse-fan per se, but i thought the song fit really well. i love watching guys playing baseball. it's instant hotness. so that was a plus. but the whole scene just rocked.

- the vampire make-up. no. just no. was it a tribute to vampire movies from the thirties? was there only money left for white powder, eye liner and lipstick? what?

- the accent in the line "my family, we're different from our kind" was suddenly over the top. i thought - 'hey, it's rhett butler!'. who am i to judge someone's accent though, right?

- uhm - why is carlisle not allowing edward to kill off james ("don't forget who you are") but the rest of the kids can? that was weird.

- we had to giggle at some of the sighing, panting, staring. the part where he pretends to bite her neck was hard to watch. but really - it was a sweet movie. i'm ready for new moon (that's my favorite book of the series).

yesterday evening we partied hard in downtown the hague. i hope you got my text message wishing you a happy new year! personally, i'm all for a fresh new year. make it a better one than last year, at least.