yesterday when i came home, great smells came from the kitchen to greet me. maarten was cooking up some noodles with chicken and shrimps. so i sat in the garden waiting for him to finish, glass of white wine within reach. we chatted, had a few laughs, etc.
then, dinner was ready. i had a bite. i had another bite. and another two. at this point, i'm on fire. steam is coming from my ears, flames from my mouth. my sweet boyfriend had put two yellow madame jeannettes in the noodles.
TWO.
YELLOW.
madame jeannettes are the hottest peppers in the world. so hot, that i don't even think there's an english word for them. they make red chili peppers taste like cotton candy. that hot.
needless to say, i got so sick that i was in bed by eight. feeling very feverish. i'm better now. and at work. dreading the moment i will have to go to the bathroom.
tmi.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
something more cheerful: deadly sins
7 deadly sins survey, stolen from shayna.
WRATH
1. Who did you last get angry with? hm.... probably myself.
2. What is your weapon of choice? words. i laugh at sticks and stones
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? sure, if they're asking for it
4. How about of the same sex? i kicked leonie's ass after she nearly bit my thumb off. this was in the 5th grade.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? probably my mom
6. What is your pet peeve? people raping the dutch language
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? not the first 10 times someone messes with me. after that, i probably will hold a grudge.
SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a while? study
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 8 in the evening. i was in college. weirder things happened back then.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? old coworkers claire and wendela and old roomies pleun and valérie
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? i'm too tired
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones?)? yes, magic bullet. wonderful kitchen appliance
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? HAHAHAHAHA.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? just once
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? grande non fat latte. or that soy chai - pretty great too.
2. Meat eaters? moderated
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? i never keep count. but i can down a few.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? no
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? since this year. i plan on ditching the issue as soon as i'm back to my old weight. issues keep you fat, i'm convinced
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? salty! maarten is of the spicy department and sugar is a nono in our house
7. Have you ever looked at a small pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? whatever
LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? plenty of friends. not to mention the dressing room in high school. as for the opposite sex? none of your business.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? see above
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? if a girl is really big chested and she's wearing a bra that's too tight, i can't help but notice (and be annoyed)
4. Have you done "it"? i'm 32. please.
5. What is your favourite body part on a person of your gender of choice? everything but feet. male feet are ugly.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? yes, but no charge (as if)
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? yes, i'm not that naive.
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? one - i wouldn't know what to do with more
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? BIJENKORF (i miss you)
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? fly to the states 3 times in 2006 and invest the rest
4. Would you rather be rich or famous? rich.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? hm. i'd be tempted
6. Have you ever stolen anything? yes, something worth a dollar when i was ten years old.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? 4?
PRIDE
1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of? never giving up
2. What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of? you'll have to ask them
3. What's one thing would you like to accomplish in your life? keep learning
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? if it would always be the case, i probably would
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? eh. wha?
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? not that i can remember
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? keep away from stroopwafels!
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? my friend ellis always has great earrings. i'd like a pair of those
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? whatchou talkin' 'bout?
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? i'd trade places with queen beatrix for a day
4. Have you ever been cheated on? yes.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? i'd like to know how it feels to have a normal height
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? i'd like to be more confident
7. Finally, what is your favourite deadly sin? today, it's sloth
Sunday, October 9, 2005
Friday, October 7, 2005
don't read
it's 10.40 and i'm at work. this is pretty standard, on a friday. except, i'm not working. i'm posting on this here blog (or what's left of it). before i started writing this, i was browsing on the internet, reading other people's blogs. people i hardly or even don't know at all. reading about their lives, their hopes and dreams, stuff they're thinking about. and while i was reading, i was thinking. about my life, my hopes and dreams, my thoughts. thinking about my thoughts. excellent. you can tell english is not my native tongue.
i also did some school work this morning. for my american civilization class. i had to prepare a debate and of course, 'my' debate will be about the european misconception of american culture. i don't think my class will expect anything else. i think my professor will be annoyed. i don't care. i'm swimming against the stream. because that's what i have always done.
there's this picture of me as a (very) little girl. i have just fallen off my bike and i'm trying to get the darn thing up again. i'm standing over it, frowning, the tip of my tongue sticking out of my mouth. you can see me thinking: "i will, i must, i will, i must". that's me. then and now. i will do this, i must do that. other options? not noticing any. because i will, i must. my eye isn't on the goal, it's on the way to get there. anywhere. as long as i get through it. i feel only safe when i have to struggle.
i'm having so many regrets lately. i used to not have any. bad experiences where there to learn from. every struggle in life had made me a better person. i'm esther because of my past. blah blah blah. i don't feel like that anymore. i want to do it all over again. everything. okay, not everything. but many things. i miss things. like when i lived just with my mom and in the summer, she would let me stay up till late and i would sit outside in my pj's, listening to the musicians in our street jamming together.
there is more culture per inch in holland than anywhere else, yet we are afraid to have dinner with our own neighbors.
where was i? oh yeah, those summer nights. i miss those. i also miss being a teenager. i miss waking up without looking like i have been stressing out for the past three years. i miss being mad at the grown-ups and feeling one with my peers, without losing my own identity. where are the passionate discussions about life, and literature, and language and cultures and politics and cars and plastic surgery and and and? i miss having my life in front of me. what am i talking about at 32? well, the older you get, the more people expect from you. it's like there's this universal list of things you should have accomplished at 32. other people are telling me what is in front of me now. i miss being different. life's not exciting any more. it's just hard work. i miss laughing like crazy.
i feel like i've written this post a million times before. so that means i must do something about it.
and that's where i end up. every time. because i really do not know where to go from there. is this my thirty something crisis? am i just the equivalent of a 50 year old man who suddenly buys a harley davidson and gets hair implants? why am i not satisfied? don't i have it all, and still have stuff to shoot for? am i just a spoiled brat who is bored out of her mind? all i know is that i can not live like this for the next 50 years. i simply can't. i can't think of anything that sparks in my life. hot damn i'm being a draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag. i want to kick and scream and run and jump and trash and cut and bruise and laugh and cry and tell and listen and wonder.
why am i here and what should i do? holy crap, isn't that something i covered 15 years ago? this is really tiresome. i can't even stand reading my own words. it's so pathetic. moronic. idiotic. laughable. i am just so tired. and ashamed. 50 years ago, people were dealing with real issues. like will i have enough money to feed my kids tonight or don't i have to worry about that because a bomb will fall on our tiny spot of the world today anyway.
i remember this girl on the old nancies list who made a post during the time that america was about to invade iraq (or was it afghanistan? anyway) and she was whining and being pissed off that she had to travel 50 miles further to see dmb because they wouldn't play at her town that year. i have become that girl. i ripped her a new one. and should take my own medicin.
i secretely know what would make me really happy right now. a trip. maybe i'll take the rest of the day off and go to the beach. stare at the ocean. stop bothering you guys with my annoying, childish, self-centered ramble.
adios.
i also did some school work this morning. for my american civilization class. i had to prepare a debate and of course, 'my' debate will be about the european misconception of american culture. i don't think my class will expect anything else. i think my professor will be annoyed. i don't care. i'm swimming against the stream. because that's what i have always done.
there's this picture of me as a (very) little girl. i have just fallen off my bike and i'm trying to get the darn thing up again. i'm standing over it, frowning, the tip of my tongue sticking out of my mouth. you can see me thinking: "i will, i must, i will, i must". that's me. then and now. i will do this, i must do that. other options? not noticing any. because i will, i must. my eye isn't on the goal, it's on the way to get there. anywhere. as long as i get through it. i feel only safe when i have to struggle.
i'm having so many regrets lately. i used to not have any. bad experiences where there to learn from. every struggle in life had made me a better person. i'm esther because of my past. blah blah blah. i don't feel like that anymore. i want to do it all over again. everything. okay, not everything. but many things. i miss things. like when i lived just with my mom and in the summer, she would let me stay up till late and i would sit outside in my pj's, listening to the musicians in our street jamming together.
there is more culture per inch in holland than anywhere else, yet we are afraid to have dinner with our own neighbors.
where was i? oh yeah, those summer nights. i miss those. i also miss being a teenager. i miss waking up without looking like i have been stressing out for the past three years. i miss being mad at the grown-ups and feeling one with my peers, without losing my own identity. where are the passionate discussions about life, and literature, and language and cultures and politics and cars and plastic surgery and and and? i miss having my life in front of me. what am i talking about at 32? well, the older you get, the more people expect from you. it's like there's this universal list of things you should have accomplished at 32. other people are telling me what is in front of me now. i miss being different. life's not exciting any more. it's just hard work. i miss laughing like crazy.
i feel like i've written this post a million times before. so that means i must do something about it.
and that's where i end up. every time. because i really do not know where to go from there. is this my thirty something crisis? am i just the equivalent of a 50 year old man who suddenly buys a harley davidson and gets hair implants? why am i not satisfied? don't i have it all, and still have stuff to shoot for? am i just a spoiled brat who is bored out of her mind? all i know is that i can not live like this for the next 50 years. i simply can't. i can't think of anything that sparks in my life. hot damn i'm being a draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag. i want to kick and scream and run and jump and trash and cut and bruise and laugh and cry and tell and listen and wonder.
why am i here and what should i do? holy crap, isn't that something i covered 15 years ago? this is really tiresome. i can't even stand reading my own words. it's so pathetic. moronic. idiotic. laughable. i am just so tired. and ashamed. 50 years ago, people were dealing with real issues. like will i have enough money to feed my kids tonight or don't i have to worry about that because a bomb will fall on our tiny spot of the world today anyway.
i remember this girl on the old nancies list who made a post during the time that america was about to invade iraq (or was it afghanistan? anyway) and she was whining and being pissed off that she had to travel 50 miles further to see dmb because they wouldn't play at her town that year. i have become that girl. i ripped her a new one. and should take my own medicin.
i secretely know what would make me really happy right now. a trip. maybe i'll take the rest of the day off and go to the beach. stare at the ocean. stop bothering you guys with my annoying, childish, self-centered ramble.
adios.
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
brother/sister day with my brother's fraternity (for lack of a better word to describe the dutch 'system'), was... interesting.
i don't think i've been that drunk since the age of say, 24.
it started out with a 3 hour train ride to groningen, way up north in holland. then, a half hour walk through groningen, to get to my brother's dorm. which is absolutely gross. great thing to know when you still have to spend the night there.
we had a great lunch at another dorm, which was much cleaner. i guess i'm a little over gross dorms and even grosser bathrooms. whatever though. on with the day. we had a beach volleyball tournament, which was a lot of fun. however, it started at 2 pm and at this time, someone gave me my first beer. i'm old, i don't drink beer before 5 anymore.
after the tournament, we had time to shower. my brother didn't have warm water. excellent. great. terrific. we had dinner, which lasted for hours and people started throwing beer and wine. then they all started to sing their year songs and i had to squad. they started at the year 2005 and ended at 1966. all the time i was thinking: i'm too old! too old for this shit! give me my comfy chair and dry white wine!
but after the .. th beer, i didn't care anymore. went to sleep at 5 am. really did not enjoy the 3 hour train ride back home. where a pile of laundry was waiting. hip hip hooray for the grown-up life.
i don't think i've been that drunk since the age of say, 24.
it started out with a 3 hour train ride to groningen, way up north in holland. then, a half hour walk through groningen, to get to my brother's dorm. which is absolutely gross. great thing to know when you still have to spend the night there.
we had a great lunch at another dorm, which was much cleaner. i guess i'm a little over gross dorms and even grosser bathrooms. whatever though. on with the day. we had a beach volleyball tournament, which was a lot of fun. however, it started at 2 pm and at this time, someone gave me my first beer. i'm old, i don't drink beer before 5 anymore.
after the tournament, we had time to shower. my brother didn't have warm water. excellent. great. terrific. we had dinner, which lasted for hours and people started throwing beer and wine. then they all started to sing their year songs and i had to squad. they started at the year 2005 and ended at 1966. all the time i was thinking: i'm too old! too old for this shit! give me my comfy chair and dry white wine!
but after the .. th beer, i didn't care anymore. went to sleep at 5 am. really did not enjoy the 3 hour train ride back home. where a pile of laundry was waiting. hip hip hooray for the grown-up life.
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