I'm taking a moment to grief.
- I'm not going to Rock Werchter -
Yes, it's pretty shocking. But the main reasons for going were DMB and KOL and since that last band is coming to Rotterdam on July 2nd... I'd rather enjoy the full sets and have my own shower the next morning as well. Plus, I'm be travelling all over the place July 1st through July 8th as it is. Plus, I might fly out to Lucca for another DMB show on the 5th and it would all just be a little too much.
Don't say it's my age. DO NOT SAY IT'S MY AGE!!!
In other news, Gina and her mom made me cry. I got (yet another) sweet care package for me and Yannick, with lovely, touching notes from both of them.
We had a first meeting with the divorce mediator last Thursday. I wish everything would be over and done with. I think I'm ready to move on, now. Although we're not living together anymore, I'm tired of the instability of still being tied together (both on paper as well as financially) - the constant knot in the pit of my stomach (hi S. ;)) reminds me that everything we have negotiated so far can blow up in my face, as long as the whole thing isn't finalized.
Patience, Esther, patience.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
You know you make me wanna shout
Well. That was interesting.
I had my first hysterical episode yesterday. at least, I think that's what it was. I'm not a psychologist though, so i'm just making this stuff up. It felt like hysteria, lets keep it at that.
It's just that I'm so, so, so tired. I'm tired of being tired. I think that everything that is coming out now, every little shit detail, revelation, hardship, emotion that is getting in line in my head for some long overdue acknowledgement, is just burning up my energy reserves at full speed. And the fact that my little boy slept two hours a night this weekend due to a wonderful sinus infection, doesn't really help either in the tired department.
(It's still my goal for 2009 to become untired. I'm just getting with the program, O. Patience.)
So when the husband came home yesterday to stay with his son for a couple of days and just kept on complaining, pushing, nagging, whining - all I could do was get the hell out of there, before I would loose it in front of my kid. I think my lack of attention (I had to focus too hard to keep my eyes open), instigated his unreasonable behavior. But usually I can take his moodswings better, let it slide off me like water on a raincoat. Now I was shaking all over in my car on the way to my parents'. And when I got there, and started to tell how I was feeling...
Yowzers.
Crying and laughing hysterically at the same time, not being able to catch my breat, snot coming out of my nose.
It all lasted maybe 5 minutes, and I felt completely relieved afterwards, but I hope it's not going to be a returning event.
In other news, after the divorce and after I have paid an enormous amount of money to get a new TV, washing machine, ironing board, pots and pans, etc. etc., I'll be saving up for a short trip to y'all. I was thinking I've earned it, it'll do me a lot of good and admit it, you want to see this wreck for yourself. So I'm hoping this fall!
I had my first hysterical episode yesterday. at least, I think that's what it was. I'm not a psychologist though, so i'm just making this stuff up. It felt like hysteria, lets keep it at that.
It's just that I'm so, so, so tired. I'm tired of being tired. I think that everything that is coming out now, every little shit detail, revelation, hardship, emotion that is getting in line in my head for some long overdue acknowledgement, is just burning up my energy reserves at full speed. And the fact that my little boy slept two hours a night this weekend due to a wonderful sinus infection, doesn't really help either in the tired department.
(It's still my goal for 2009 to become untired. I'm just getting with the program, O. Patience.)
So when the husband came home yesterday to stay with his son for a couple of days and just kept on complaining, pushing, nagging, whining - all I could do was get the hell out of there, before I would loose it in front of my kid. I think my lack of attention (I had to focus too hard to keep my eyes open), instigated his unreasonable behavior. But usually I can take his moodswings better, let it slide off me like water on a raincoat. Now I was shaking all over in my car on the way to my parents'. And when I got there, and started to tell how I was feeling...
Yowzers.
Crying and laughing hysterically at the same time, not being able to catch my breat, snot coming out of my nose.
It all lasted maybe 5 minutes, and I felt completely relieved afterwards, but I hope it's not going to be a returning event.
In other news, after the divorce and after I have paid an enormous amount of money to get a new TV, washing machine, ironing board, pots and pans, etc. etc., I'll be saving up for a short trip to y'all. I was thinking I've earned it, it'll do me a lot of good and admit it, you want to see this wreck for yourself. So I'm hoping this fall!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Prepare to start hating me
The Werchter line-up so far (although I need to note that I'll be skipping the last day. I do need some time to prepare myself for "DMB at HMH"). I'm pretty all over the place about the entire line-up, but highlighted the acts I'm really over-the-top excited about.
Thursday 2 July 2009
Main Stage: The Prodigy | Oasis | Placebo | Dave Matthews Band | Lily Allen
Pyramid Marquee: Tiga | Pendulum | Laurent Garnier | Fleet Foxes | Emiliana Torrini
Friday 3 July 2009
Main Stage: Coldplay | The Killers | Bloc Party | Elbow | Amy Macdonald | Just Jack
Pyramid Marquee: Lady Gaga | Jason Mraz | The Streets | M. Ward | Priscilla Ahn | Henry Rollins Spoken Word
Saturday 4 July 2009
Main Stage: 2manydjs | Kings of Leon | Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds | Franz Ferdinand | Limp Bizkit | Social Distortion
Pyramid Marquee: Katy Perry | Mogwai
Sunday 5 July 2009
Main Stage: Metallica | Nine Inch Nails | Kaiser Chiefs | The Mars Volta | Seasick Steve | Mastodon
Pyramid Marquee: Flaming Lips | Röyksopp | Ghinzu | The Hickey Underworld
Thursday 2 July 2009
Main Stage: The Prodigy | Oasis | Placebo | Dave Matthews Band | Lily Allen
Pyramid Marquee: Tiga | Pendulum | Laurent Garnier | Fleet Foxes | Emiliana Torrini
Friday 3 July 2009
Main Stage: Coldplay | The Killers | Bloc Party | Elbow | Amy Macdonald | Just Jack
Pyramid Marquee: Lady Gaga | Jason Mraz | The Streets | M. Ward | Priscilla Ahn | Henry Rollins Spoken Word
Saturday 4 July 2009
Main Stage: 2manydjs | Kings of Leon | Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds | Franz Ferdinand | Limp Bizkit | Social Distortion
Pyramid Marquee: Katy Perry | Mogwai
Sunday 5 July 2009
Main Stage: Metallica | Nine Inch Nails | Kaiser Chiefs | The Mars Volta | Seasick Steve | Mastodon
Pyramid Marquee: Flaming Lips | Röyksopp | Ghinzu | The Hickey Underworld
Thursday, March 12, 2009
The colors kept mixing together to grey
I really did plan to not blog anymore. I really did not see the point, knowing that it would not be in the interest of my son's privacy to blog about the stuff that is keeping me occupied these days. I really haven't been blogging about some important things for about three years in the first place.
But a friend told me that I should share more instead of sharing even less. And he's probably right. If I have had one major insight the last couple of months, it's that holding things in, will result in them eating you alive. Or bloat you to the size of a beached whale, in my case. And 'coincidently', after I finally started telling the tale, I have mysteriously lost two sizes and I'm slowly starting to look like me again.
So here I am once again, in cyberspace, spilling my gut in my lame English.
What's going on?, you might ask. Nothing special, really.
I'm just getting divorced.
I'm not the first and won't be the last and here, it happens to every third of marriages (over there where you are, even half I believe). But obviously, it is very important to me. Otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about it at the risk of it being read by the wrong eyes (although I took a lot of precautions this time around). Otherwise I wouldn't have invited all of you into my problems. And I am not planning on this blog to be a pity party where I will go on about everything tragic for months in a row. It will be a continuation of my old blog, just somewhere else, somewhere more private and definitely somewhere more honest.
So why am I getting a divorce?
Because my husband is an alcoholic, for starters.
First, when it started three years ago, there was shock. But now the clock says that a gazillion ignored warnings, pleas, threats etc. have passed. After having seemingly tried everything, I caved in and decided to leave. For my son and for myself. Divorce was never an option for me, until it became very evident that life would not get better and he would not change, but life could be beautiful and wonderful again, if I changed. I want my son to experience life as an open playfield, not as a barred secret.
That's it for now. But,
I'm back :)
But a friend told me that I should share more instead of sharing even less. And he's probably right. If I have had one major insight the last couple of months, it's that holding things in, will result in them eating you alive. Or bloat you to the size of a beached whale, in my case. And 'coincidently', after I finally started telling the tale, I have mysteriously lost two sizes and I'm slowly starting to look like me again.
So here I am once again, in cyberspace, spilling my gut in my lame English.
What's going on?, you might ask. Nothing special, really.
I'm just getting divorced.
I'm not the first and won't be the last and here, it happens to every third of marriages (over there where you are, even half I believe). But obviously, it is very important to me. Otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about it at the risk of it being read by the wrong eyes (although I took a lot of precautions this time around). Otherwise I wouldn't have invited all of you into my problems. And I am not planning on this blog to be a pity party where I will go on about everything tragic for months in a row. It will be a continuation of my old blog, just somewhere else, somewhere more private and definitely somewhere more honest.
So why am I getting a divorce?
Because my husband is an alcoholic, for starters.
First, when it started three years ago, there was shock. But now the clock says that a gazillion ignored warnings, pleas, threats etc. have passed. After having seemingly tried everything, I caved in and decided to leave. For my son and for myself. Divorce was never an option for me, until it became very evident that life would not get better and he would not change, but life could be beautiful and wonderful again, if I changed. I want my son to experience life as an open playfield, not as a barred secret.
That's it for now. But,
I'm back :)
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