my blood pressure is currently so low, that i keep 'falling' in my bed. you know, like when you have a dream and in your dream you fall, and you wake up in your bed with a bang? it's like that, only i'm awake. it's a peachy feeling. except that it's really annoying.
stop bitching, esther!
okay.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
why do i wake up at 5 every morning?
all i really want for christmas is....
SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
looks like i'm getting it, too. i've got the week between christmas and new year's off from work and we'll be going here. i'm thinking long walks, shopping, great food, 10 hrs sleep a night. of course i have to write a paper, too, but that won't lessen the fun!
both our parents are coming for dinner at christmas, that should be interesting. what else is new... oh, i got a really great gift from maarten's mom for my birthday. art from mozambique. unfortunately, i can't find a link.
in half a year, i'm done with school. if all goes well.... woohoo!
SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
looks like i'm getting it, too. i've got the week between christmas and new year's off from work and we'll be going here. i'm thinking long walks, shopping, great food, 10 hrs sleep a night. of course i have to write a paper, too, but that won't lessen the fun!
both our parents are coming for dinner at christmas, that should be interesting. what else is new... oh, i got a really great gift from maarten's mom for my birthday. art from mozambique. unfortunately, i can't find a link.
in half a year, i'm done with school. if all goes well.... woohoo!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
i'm a jolly good fellow
oh, it was wonderful to come home today!
maarten had decorated the house. balloons everywhere! and then i got about 10 presents. all cute. and he had organic brownies! they were fantabulous. going to school this evening was less of a party, but necessary after missing a couple of classes.
is it saturday, yet? i'm going to see anouk for probably the last time. it'll be the end of an era. sniff.
maarten had decorated the house. balloons everywhere! and then i got about 10 presents. all cute. and he had organic brownies! they were fantabulous. going to school this evening was less of a party, but necessary after missing a couple of classes.
is it saturday, yet? i'm going to see anouk for probably the last time. it'll be the end of an era. sniff.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
my exciting life
i really did try to make a before and after post of our bedroom, but miserably failed.
why i turned to house makeover pictures as a last resort? because nothing much else has been going on. not that i want to talk about, anyways.
i'm making mixed cd's tonight. my first!
and then i'll go to bed at 9. yahoo!
why i turned to house makeover pictures as a last resort? because nothing much else has been going on. not that i want to talk about, anyways.
i'm making mixed cd's tonight. my first!
and then i'll go to bed at 9. yahoo!
Wednesday, December 7, 2005
american jambands and festivals from a dutch perspective
i came across this article and thought it was funny to read about another dutch person's perspective on jambands and american festivals. he's not the best writer, but whatever. i had to beep out the cuss words, because otherwise i can't access my blog at work anymore.
jamband
by jelle kuiper
festivals, you gotta love them. i've seen various festivals but they have one thing in common and that is the constant presence of amplified music. in the bus, backstage, on the often not so inviting toilets or at the catering; wherever you go, you can't hide from the constant pounding of amplified music.
before frolic-punk band A has even finished on the 'main' stage , the singer of frolic-punk band B on the 'other stage' starts with a very loud "WHAT's UP MOTHER*****!!!" never a deafening silence. most people probably couldn't even handle it. i personally would probably think that the pa has died out.
festivals have many similarities yet also big differences. the festivals that i have been to in america, were all weird. and those that i worked at, were almost solely visited by hippies. i have nothing against hippies - i'm one myself - but these are those real cliche hippies.
people that make you think that time has been standing still. and what do these hippies enjoy? jambands. what are jambands? ever been to a 'jam session'? one of those ocassions where music school students masturbate on their instrument for hours? bands, that play as many notes possible, for as long as possible. frankly, that shouldn't be allowed to be called a jam session.
solos, and i don't mean jazz. no, that funky 'put a rug down for the solo' fumbling. dreadful. successfully almost extinct in our country. i was one of the leaders of the posse. and now, i have to listen to the same (or worse) prying again at these american 'jamband festivals'.
bands with names like Cheese String Accident*, Animal Liberation Orchestra and Galactica* play for days in a row. in the mean time, thousands of hippies stand smiling or sometimes laughing with their arms up in the air, completely tripping on hours of solo-ing.
i should have seen it coming when i was on my way to my first jamband festival years ago and our runner proudly told me that band A had played for five hours the day before instead of two.
so, here's my tip for the last dutch jammers. america is the promised jamland! you can even play at hundreds of festivals throughout the summer. okay, our jammers will have to do something about their appearance. they usually look like a couple of math students. i think their instrumental skills is a matter of overcompensating.
so let your hair grow and buy a cliche hippie outfit. sandals and a tie-dye shirt, don't eat too much meat, juggling is a plus, smile plenty and onto america!
*this guy obviously has a problem with names.
jamband
by jelle kuiper
festivals, you gotta love them. i've seen various festivals but they have one thing in common and that is the constant presence of amplified music. in the bus, backstage, on the often not so inviting toilets or at the catering; wherever you go, you can't hide from the constant pounding of amplified music.
before frolic-punk band A has even finished on the 'main' stage , the singer of frolic-punk band B on the 'other stage' starts with a very loud "WHAT's UP MOTHER*****!!!" never a deafening silence. most people probably couldn't even handle it. i personally would probably think that the pa has died out.
festivals have many similarities yet also big differences. the festivals that i have been to in america, were all weird. and those that i worked at, were almost solely visited by hippies. i have nothing against hippies - i'm one myself - but these are those real cliche hippies.
people that make you think that time has been standing still. and what do these hippies enjoy? jambands. what are jambands? ever been to a 'jam session'? one of those ocassions where music school students masturbate on their instrument for hours? bands, that play as many notes possible, for as long as possible. frankly, that shouldn't be allowed to be called a jam session.
solos, and i don't mean jazz. no, that funky 'put a rug down for the solo' fumbling. dreadful. successfully almost extinct in our country. i was one of the leaders of the posse. and now, i have to listen to the same (or worse) prying again at these american 'jamband festivals'.
bands with names like Cheese String Accident*, Animal Liberation Orchestra and Galactica* play for days in a row. in the mean time, thousands of hippies stand smiling or sometimes laughing with their arms up in the air, completely tripping on hours of solo-ing.
i should have seen it coming when i was on my way to my first jamband festival years ago and our runner proudly told me that band A had played for five hours the day before instead of two.
so, here's my tip for the last dutch jammers. america is the promised jamland! you can even play at hundreds of festivals throughout the summer. okay, our jammers will have to do something about their appearance. they usually look like a couple of math students. i think their instrumental skills is a matter of overcompensating.
so let your hair grow and buy a cliche hippie outfit. sandals and a tie-dye shirt, don't eat too much meat, juggling is a plus, smile plenty and onto america!
*this guy obviously has a problem with names.
Monday, December 5, 2005
sinterklaas was great. we were with six and had all made 'surprises' and poems. my 'surprise' was a board game called "highlights in the life of esther". of course, they had to give me some sh*t about the fact that maarten & i have been engaged forever, and still not married. so one of the assignments in the game was that i had to ask him to marry me. you had to have been there, but it was a hilarious moment.
we all had maarten's tomato soup and stuffed bread for dinner. simple, but yum. after that we had a four hour discussion about practically anything you can discuss, so i was pooped after that. and now my cold has gotten worse, so that's awesome. really, because it's not like i'm swamped with work and school. bitch, moan.
in better news: my work decided to close between christmas and new year's. one week off! woo! can't wait.
we all had maarten's tomato soup and stuffed bread for dinner. simple, but yum. after that we had a four hour discussion about practically anything you can discuss, so i was pooped after that. and now my cold has gotten worse, so that's awesome. really, because it's not like i'm swamped with work and school. bitch, moan.
in better news: my work decided to close between christmas and new year's. one week off! woo! can't wait.
Monday, November 28, 2005
yibbie
i dhink dhat i'm coming down wid dhe flu.
no no no - i do not have the time for this. go away now.
in other news: i gloriously passed my change management exam. and the american civilization test.
hib hib hooray.
no no no - i do not have the time for this. go away now.
in other news: i gloriously passed my change management exam. and the american civilization test.
hib hib hooray.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
i'm it again
robbi made me do it.
ten things you probably don't know about me
1. i still wonder some times if i should have chosen a (real) creative profession.
2. i wrote a letter to donald duck when i was eight. i got an answer, too.
3. when i look back at my life and think of all the impulsive, irrational, crazy things i have done, i draw the conclusion that's a bloody miracle i'm not dead. i'm not kidding.
4. i can't watch vampire movies alone. if i do, i can't sleep for a good week. this also applies to the movie arachnaphobia - but i can't watch that in the presence of others, either.
5. i hated coffee with a fierce passion until the age of 26 (i bet you didn't see that coming).
6. i have a tendency to etch embarassing moments in my memory. when i face a lot of stress, those memories start popping up in my head. it's really annoying. but not yet alarming.
7. they had to sow back on my pinky toe when i was three, after i stepped on a glass milk bottle.
8. i love movies of the week.
9. i still have moments i think i see my dad walking somewhere.
10. at the age of 6, i was convinced i was adopted.
ten things you probably don't know about me
1. i still wonder some times if i should have chosen a (real) creative profession.
2. i wrote a letter to donald duck when i was eight. i got an answer, too.
3. when i look back at my life and think of all the impulsive, irrational, crazy things i have done, i draw the conclusion that's a bloody miracle i'm not dead. i'm not kidding.
4. i can't watch vampire movies alone. if i do, i can't sleep for a good week. this also applies to the movie arachnaphobia - but i can't watch that in the presence of others, either.
5. i hated coffee with a fierce passion until the age of 26 (i bet you didn't see that coming).
6. i have a tendency to etch embarassing moments in my memory. when i face a lot of stress, those memories start popping up in my head. it's really annoying. but not yet alarming.
7. they had to sow back on my pinky toe when i was three, after i stepped on a glass milk bottle.
8. i love movies of the week.
9. i still have moments i think i see my dad walking somewhere.
10. at the age of 6, i was convinced i was adopted.
Monday, November 7, 2005
bluh
i love america and all, but...
this midterm is kicking my ass!!!!!
in other news: i decorated the bathroom with about 100 framed pictures. it's fantabulous. yes, my life is very exciting, i know.
this midterm is kicking my ass!!!!!
in other news: i decorated the bathroom with about 100 framed pictures. it's fantabulous. yes, my life is very exciting, i know.
Friday, November 4, 2005
i'm it
i've been tagged so i must do what needs to be done.
Total Volume of Music on My Computer: not much, that's for sure. i'm old fashioned - i listen to cd's.
Last CD I bought was: this is really awful. i can't remember. i can't. it's been tooooooo long.
5 songs you listen to a lot, or mean a lot to you:
1. #41 by dmb. if you didn't see that one coming, you don't know me at all. i still piss in my pants every time i hear it.
2. wish you were here by pink floyd. i've got a painting on my wall with the title: can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? my dad made it. i rest my case
3. ace in the hole. because it's sexy and funky
4. rock you body by justin timberlake. strangely enough. my culture & change management professor plays it before class.
5. het land van by lange frans & baas b. mkay. there is no way to escape this song because it's all that is played on the radio these days. it's a dutch rap (contradiction in terms) and it's a bit too pattriotic to my taste. see what you can make of it (kroketten and frikadellen are really gross meat snacks)
i am from the country of pim fortuyn and volkert van de g.
the country of theo van gogh and mohammed b
come from the country of kroketten, frikadellen
which you can order until the spanish cost
come from the country where air max will never be out of style
where they put you down the moment you start making it big
come from the country of red white blue and the golden lion
plunder the world call it the golden century
i'm from the country of weed plantations and bike-four-days
the country where you can ask a junkie for a bike
the country that was champion in '88
the country of biting haring, dikes and canals
i'm from the country, the country of tall fransie
this is the country where i come home after vacation
i'm from the country where i was born in 1982
where i lost my guilders to the euro
the country that joined the war in iraq
because uncle bush has balkenende in his pocket
the country of being cheap a round is too much
the country of riots between ajax and feyenoord
but when orange plays we're all a big family
the country of johan cruijf and abe lenstra
the legion won't leave the lion hanging
the country where we hope for better weather each day
i don't trust that piet paulusma for a cent anymore
the country that is free since '45
the country where i'll stay, i love it here
honestly
i'm from the country that you can drive through in three hours
with a different dialect every ten minutes
i'm from the country where on paper there is a place for everyone
and xtc is export number one
i'm from the country where in 100 years andre hazes still rules every bar
i'm from the country where peter gert-jan raymond and junte
frans bart and ali run the game
come from the country where hiphop is a 30 year old child
and you can decide for yourself how phat that is
the country where prostitution and smoking weed are allowed
the country of sinterklaas and queen's day
this is the country where i lost, been cheated on
come from the country where i was born and raised.
come from the country with the most culture per square meter
but people are afraid to eat at their neighbors'
and integration is a magnificent word
but shit is freaking bitter when nobody hears it
i share my country with turks and maroccans, antilians, moluks and surinams
the country where we all hold down stuff too much
and are globally represented by harry potter
the country where 'apartheid', internationally
is the most known word of the dutch language
come from the country that is ticking like a time bomb
the country that eats at six and is always on time
this is the country where i will prevail until the end
until you will sing along at the arena lines
and until then i will shine i sold my heart
this is for the netherlands, boss b tall frans
Total Volume of Music on My Computer: not much, that's for sure. i'm old fashioned - i listen to cd's.
Last CD I bought was: this is really awful. i can't remember. i can't. it's been tooooooo long.
5 songs you listen to a lot, or mean a lot to you:
1. #41 by dmb. if you didn't see that one coming, you don't know me at all. i still piss in my pants every time i hear it.
2. wish you were here by pink floyd. i've got a painting on my wall with the title: can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? my dad made it. i rest my case
3. ace in the hole. because it's sexy and funky
4. rock you body by justin timberlake. strangely enough. my culture & change management professor plays it before class.
5. het land van by lange frans & baas b. mkay. there is no way to escape this song because it's all that is played on the radio these days. it's a dutch rap (contradiction in terms) and it's a bit too pattriotic to my taste. see what you can make of it (kroketten and frikadellen are really gross meat snacks)
i am from the country of pim fortuyn and volkert van de g.
the country of theo van gogh and mohammed b
come from the country of kroketten, frikadellen
which you can order until the spanish cost
come from the country where air max will never be out of style
where they put you down the moment you start making it big
come from the country of red white blue and the golden lion
plunder the world call it the golden century
i'm from the country of weed plantations and bike-four-days
the country where you can ask a junkie for a bike
the country that was champion in '88
the country of biting haring, dikes and canals
i'm from the country, the country of tall fransie
this is the country where i come home after vacation
i'm from the country where i was born in 1982
where i lost my guilders to the euro
the country that joined the war in iraq
because uncle bush has balkenende in his pocket
the country of being cheap a round is too much
the country of riots between ajax and feyenoord
but when orange plays we're all a big family
the country of johan cruijf and abe lenstra
the legion won't leave the lion hanging
the country where we hope for better weather each day
i don't trust that piet paulusma for a cent anymore
the country that is free since '45
the country where i'll stay, i love it here
honestly
i'm from the country that you can drive through in three hours
with a different dialect every ten minutes
i'm from the country where on paper there is a place for everyone
and xtc is export number one
i'm from the country where in 100 years andre hazes still rules every bar
i'm from the country where peter gert-jan raymond and junte
frans bart and ali run the game
come from the country where hiphop is a 30 year old child
and you can decide for yourself how phat that is
the country where prostitution and smoking weed are allowed
the country of sinterklaas and queen's day
this is the country where i lost, been cheated on
come from the country where i was born and raised.
come from the country with the most culture per square meter
but people are afraid to eat at their neighbors'
and integration is a magnificent word
but shit is freaking bitter when nobody hears it
i share my country with turks and maroccans, antilians, moluks and surinams
the country where we all hold down stuff too much
and are globally represented by harry potter
the country where 'apartheid', internationally
is the most known word of the dutch language
come from the country that is ticking like a time bomb
the country that eats at six and is always on time
this is the country where i will prevail until the end
until you will sing along at the arena lines
and until then i will shine i sold my heart
this is for the netherlands, boss b tall frans
Thursday, November 3, 2005
Tuesday, November 1, 2005
hell-o-wien
apparently, halloween has finally reached the ole NL. i wish someone would have told me upfront. i felt so bad when the two little girls rang my doorbell last night and i had absolutely nothing to give them. not even something healthy like a mandarin or something. they looked so disappointed! i think they were dressed like witches but they could have been elves too.
school is crazy. i tried to work my way through 15 essay questions this weekend but each question takes me about an hour.
and i have to write a 10 page analysis of our business culture.
and i have to study for my american civilization exam (even that is a drag right now).
and i have to write a 10 page communication plan for some non-profit organization in complex trouble. my experience in non-profit? except for some private donations - zilch. nada. niente.
to top it off, i really need to be handing in my thesis proposal and research proposal soon.
whatever though. life goes on. life's pretty sweet, too. everybody's pregnant so more wine for me.
wish me luck, i'm getting my evaluation in 19 minutes.
school is crazy. i tried to work my way through 15 essay questions this weekend but each question takes me about an hour.
and i have to write a 10 page analysis of our business culture.
and i have to study for my american civilization exam (even that is a drag right now).
and i have to write a 10 page communication plan for some non-profit organization in complex trouble. my experience in non-profit? except for some private donations - zilch. nada. niente.
to top it off, i really need to be handing in my thesis proposal and research proposal soon.
whatever though. life goes on. life's pretty sweet, too. everybody's pregnant so more wine for me.
wish me luck, i'm getting my evaluation in 19 minutes.
Friday, October 28, 2005
hot stuff
yesterday when i came home, great smells came from the kitchen to greet me. maarten was cooking up some noodles with chicken and shrimps. so i sat in the garden waiting for him to finish, glass of white wine within reach. we chatted, had a few laughs, etc.
then, dinner was ready. i had a bite. i had another bite. and another two. at this point, i'm on fire. steam is coming from my ears, flames from my mouth. my sweet boyfriend had put two yellow madame jeannettes in the noodles.
TWO.
YELLOW.
madame jeannettes are the hottest peppers in the world. so hot, that i don't even think there's an english word for them. they make red chili peppers taste like cotton candy. that hot.
needless to say, i got so sick that i was in bed by eight. feeling very feverish. i'm better now. and at work. dreading the moment i will have to go to the bathroom.
tmi.
then, dinner was ready. i had a bite. i had another bite. and another two. at this point, i'm on fire. steam is coming from my ears, flames from my mouth. my sweet boyfriend had put two yellow madame jeannettes in the noodles.
TWO.
YELLOW.
madame jeannettes are the hottest peppers in the world. so hot, that i don't even think there's an english word for them. they make red chili peppers taste like cotton candy. that hot.
needless to say, i got so sick that i was in bed by eight. feeling very feverish. i'm better now. and at work. dreading the moment i will have to go to the bathroom.
tmi.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
something more cheerful: deadly sins
7 deadly sins survey, stolen from shayna.
WRATH
1. Who did you last get angry with? hm.... probably myself.
2. What is your weapon of choice? words. i laugh at sticks and stones
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? sure, if they're asking for it
4. How about of the same sex? i kicked leonie's ass after she nearly bit my thumb off. this was in the 5th grade.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? probably my mom
6. What is your pet peeve? people raping the dutch language
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? not the first 10 times someone messes with me. after that, i probably will hold a grudge.
SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a while? study
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 8 in the evening. i was in college. weirder things happened back then.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? old coworkers claire and wendela and old roomies pleun and valérie
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? i'm too tired
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones?)? yes, magic bullet. wonderful kitchen appliance
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? HAHAHAHAHA.
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? just once
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? grande non fat latte. or that soy chai - pretty great too.
2. Meat eaters? moderated
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? i never keep count. but i can down a few.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? no
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? since this year. i plan on ditching the issue as soon as i'm back to my old weight. issues keep you fat, i'm convinced
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? salty! maarten is of the spicy department and sugar is a nono in our house
7. Have you ever looked at a small pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? whatever
LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? plenty of friends. not to mention the dressing room in high school. as for the opposite sex? none of your business.
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? see above
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? if a girl is really big chested and she's wearing a bra that's too tight, i can't help but notice (and be annoyed)
4. Have you done "it"? i'm 32. please.
5. What is your favourite body part on a person of your gender of choice? everything but feet. male feet are ugly.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? yes, but no charge (as if)
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? yes, i'm not that naive.
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? one - i wouldn't know what to do with more
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? BIJENKORF (i miss you)
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? fly to the states 3 times in 2006 and invest the rest
4. Would you rather be rich or famous? rich.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? hm. i'd be tempted
6. Have you ever stolen anything? yes, something worth a dollar when i was ten years old.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? 4?
PRIDE
1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of? never giving up
2. What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of? you'll have to ask them
3. What's one thing would you like to accomplish in your life? keep learning
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? if it would always be the case, i probably would
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? eh. wha?
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? not that i can remember
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? keep away from stroopwafels!
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? my friend ellis always has great earrings. i'd like a pair of those
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? whatchou talkin' 'bout?
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? i'd trade places with queen beatrix for a day
4. Have you ever been cheated on? yes.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? i'd like to know how it feels to have a normal height
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? i'd like to be more confident
7. Finally, what is your favourite deadly sin? today, it's sloth
Sunday, October 9, 2005
Friday, October 7, 2005
don't read
it's 10.40 and i'm at work. this is pretty standard, on a friday. except, i'm not working. i'm posting on this here blog (or what's left of it). before i started writing this, i was browsing on the internet, reading other people's blogs. people i hardly or even don't know at all. reading about their lives, their hopes and dreams, stuff they're thinking about. and while i was reading, i was thinking. about my life, my hopes and dreams, my thoughts. thinking about my thoughts. excellent. you can tell english is not my native tongue.
i also did some school work this morning. for my american civilization class. i had to prepare a debate and of course, 'my' debate will be about the european misconception of american culture. i don't think my class will expect anything else. i think my professor will be annoyed. i don't care. i'm swimming against the stream. because that's what i have always done.
there's this picture of me as a (very) little girl. i have just fallen off my bike and i'm trying to get the darn thing up again. i'm standing over it, frowning, the tip of my tongue sticking out of my mouth. you can see me thinking: "i will, i must, i will, i must". that's me. then and now. i will do this, i must do that. other options? not noticing any. because i will, i must. my eye isn't on the goal, it's on the way to get there. anywhere. as long as i get through it. i feel only safe when i have to struggle.
i'm having so many regrets lately. i used to not have any. bad experiences where there to learn from. every struggle in life had made me a better person. i'm esther because of my past. blah blah blah. i don't feel like that anymore. i want to do it all over again. everything. okay, not everything. but many things. i miss things. like when i lived just with my mom and in the summer, she would let me stay up till late and i would sit outside in my pj's, listening to the musicians in our street jamming together.
there is more culture per inch in holland than anywhere else, yet we are afraid to have dinner with our own neighbors.
where was i? oh yeah, those summer nights. i miss those. i also miss being a teenager. i miss waking up without looking like i have been stressing out for the past three years. i miss being mad at the grown-ups and feeling one with my peers, without losing my own identity. where are the passionate discussions about life, and literature, and language and cultures and politics and cars and plastic surgery and and and? i miss having my life in front of me. what am i talking about at 32? well, the older you get, the more people expect from you. it's like there's this universal list of things you should have accomplished at 32. other people are telling me what is in front of me now. i miss being different. life's not exciting any more. it's just hard work. i miss laughing like crazy.
i feel like i've written this post a million times before. so that means i must do something about it.
and that's where i end up. every time. because i really do not know where to go from there. is this my thirty something crisis? am i just the equivalent of a 50 year old man who suddenly buys a harley davidson and gets hair implants? why am i not satisfied? don't i have it all, and still have stuff to shoot for? am i just a spoiled brat who is bored out of her mind? all i know is that i can not live like this for the next 50 years. i simply can't. i can't think of anything that sparks in my life. hot damn i'm being a draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag. i want to kick and scream and run and jump and trash and cut and bruise and laugh and cry and tell and listen and wonder.
why am i here and what should i do? holy crap, isn't that something i covered 15 years ago? this is really tiresome. i can't even stand reading my own words. it's so pathetic. moronic. idiotic. laughable. i am just so tired. and ashamed. 50 years ago, people were dealing with real issues. like will i have enough money to feed my kids tonight or don't i have to worry about that because a bomb will fall on our tiny spot of the world today anyway.
i remember this girl on the old nancies list who made a post during the time that america was about to invade iraq (or was it afghanistan? anyway) and she was whining and being pissed off that she had to travel 50 miles further to see dmb because they wouldn't play at her town that year. i have become that girl. i ripped her a new one. and should take my own medicin.
i secretely know what would make me really happy right now. a trip. maybe i'll take the rest of the day off and go to the beach. stare at the ocean. stop bothering you guys with my annoying, childish, self-centered ramble.
adios.
i also did some school work this morning. for my american civilization class. i had to prepare a debate and of course, 'my' debate will be about the european misconception of american culture. i don't think my class will expect anything else. i think my professor will be annoyed. i don't care. i'm swimming against the stream. because that's what i have always done.
there's this picture of me as a (very) little girl. i have just fallen off my bike and i'm trying to get the darn thing up again. i'm standing over it, frowning, the tip of my tongue sticking out of my mouth. you can see me thinking: "i will, i must, i will, i must". that's me. then and now. i will do this, i must do that. other options? not noticing any. because i will, i must. my eye isn't on the goal, it's on the way to get there. anywhere. as long as i get through it. i feel only safe when i have to struggle.
i'm having so many regrets lately. i used to not have any. bad experiences where there to learn from. every struggle in life had made me a better person. i'm esther because of my past. blah blah blah. i don't feel like that anymore. i want to do it all over again. everything. okay, not everything. but many things. i miss things. like when i lived just with my mom and in the summer, she would let me stay up till late and i would sit outside in my pj's, listening to the musicians in our street jamming together.
there is more culture per inch in holland than anywhere else, yet we are afraid to have dinner with our own neighbors.
where was i? oh yeah, those summer nights. i miss those. i also miss being a teenager. i miss waking up without looking like i have been stressing out for the past three years. i miss being mad at the grown-ups and feeling one with my peers, without losing my own identity. where are the passionate discussions about life, and literature, and language and cultures and politics and cars and plastic surgery and and and? i miss having my life in front of me. what am i talking about at 32? well, the older you get, the more people expect from you. it's like there's this universal list of things you should have accomplished at 32. other people are telling me what is in front of me now. i miss being different. life's not exciting any more. it's just hard work. i miss laughing like crazy.
i feel like i've written this post a million times before. so that means i must do something about it.
and that's where i end up. every time. because i really do not know where to go from there. is this my thirty something crisis? am i just the equivalent of a 50 year old man who suddenly buys a harley davidson and gets hair implants? why am i not satisfied? don't i have it all, and still have stuff to shoot for? am i just a spoiled brat who is bored out of her mind? all i know is that i can not live like this for the next 50 years. i simply can't. i can't think of anything that sparks in my life. hot damn i'm being a draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag. i want to kick and scream and run and jump and trash and cut and bruise and laugh and cry and tell and listen and wonder.
why am i here and what should i do? holy crap, isn't that something i covered 15 years ago? this is really tiresome. i can't even stand reading my own words. it's so pathetic. moronic. idiotic. laughable. i am just so tired. and ashamed. 50 years ago, people were dealing with real issues. like will i have enough money to feed my kids tonight or don't i have to worry about that because a bomb will fall on our tiny spot of the world today anyway.
i remember this girl on the old nancies list who made a post during the time that america was about to invade iraq (or was it afghanistan? anyway) and she was whining and being pissed off that she had to travel 50 miles further to see dmb because they wouldn't play at her town that year. i have become that girl. i ripped her a new one. and should take my own medicin.
i secretely know what would make me really happy right now. a trip. maybe i'll take the rest of the day off and go to the beach. stare at the ocean. stop bothering you guys with my annoying, childish, self-centered ramble.
adios.
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
brother/sister day with my brother's fraternity (for lack of a better word to describe the dutch 'system'), was... interesting.
i don't think i've been that drunk since the age of say, 24.
it started out with a 3 hour train ride to groningen, way up north in holland. then, a half hour walk through groningen, to get to my brother's dorm. which is absolutely gross. great thing to know when you still have to spend the night there.
we had a great lunch at another dorm, which was much cleaner. i guess i'm a little over gross dorms and even grosser bathrooms. whatever though. on with the day. we had a beach volleyball tournament, which was a lot of fun. however, it started at 2 pm and at this time, someone gave me my first beer. i'm old, i don't drink beer before 5 anymore.
after the tournament, we had time to shower. my brother didn't have warm water. excellent. great. terrific. we had dinner, which lasted for hours and people started throwing beer and wine. then they all started to sing their year songs and i had to squad. they started at the year 2005 and ended at 1966. all the time i was thinking: i'm too old! too old for this shit! give me my comfy chair and dry white wine!
but after the .. th beer, i didn't care anymore. went to sleep at 5 am. really did not enjoy the 3 hour train ride back home. where a pile of laundry was waiting. hip hip hooray for the grown-up life.
i don't think i've been that drunk since the age of say, 24.
it started out with a 3 hour train ride to groningen, way up north in holland. then, a half hour walk through groningen, to get to my brother's dorm. which is absolutely gross. great thing to know when you still have to spend the night there.
we had a great lunch at another dorm, which was much cleaner. i guess i'm a little over gross dorms and even grosser bathrooms. whatever though. on with the day. we had a beach volleyball tournament, which was a lot of fun. however, it started at 2 pm and at this time, someone gave me my first beer. i'm old, i don't drink beer before 5 anymore.
after the tournament, we had time to shower. my brother didn't have warm water. excellent. great. terrific. we had dinner, which lasted for hours and people started throwing beer and wine. then they all started to sing their year songs and i had to squad. they started at the year 2005 and ended at 1966. all the time i was thinking: i'm too old! too old for this shit! give me my comfy chair and dry white wine!
but after the .. th beer, i didn't care anymore. went to sleep at 5 am. really did not enjoy the 3 hour train ride back home. where a pile of laundry was waiting. hip hip hooray for the grown-up life.
Friday, September 30, 2005
blahg
wow, this thing still looks like crap. at least some of the links are back, but lots of work still needs to be done. but when, lord, when? maybe i'll just do a complete make-over, i'm into greens these days....
wedding tonight and brother/sister day of my little brother's fraternity tomorrow. then sunday, nothing but studying. yippiekayay for the weekend.
wedding tonight and brother/sister day of my little brother's fraternity tomorrow. then sunday, nothing but studying. yippiekayay for the weekend.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
no way
this has got to be some sort of record. brand new blog, comment spam on the second post.
anybody got any suggestions for a good comment script?
anybody got any suggestions for a good comment script?
Saturday, September 24, 2005
life in not so suburbia
CRAZY two weeks.
today, saturday, marks the second last day of my two week 'vacation'. i am aware that two weeks of 'vacation', even if it's between quotation marks, sounds like a wet dream to the average american. and imagine people over here told me to take three weeks because two is 'just not enough to really relax'.
anyway.
these past two weeks we have moved into our new home. the first week all we did was drive around with vans and station wagons, from basement to closets to the old home back to the new house. the first two days we couldn't move freely from one spot to the other because of all the boxes and other crap lying on the floor. but now, it's starting to feel like a house. and even like home. because the first week and a half? i felt like i was visiting and the owners had just stepped out and we were supposed to watch the house. nothing felt like ours. everything was too new and pretty. good thing that feeling is wearing of now.
at the same time, my classes started two weeks ago. wahoo! this year, my last, is divided into 4 semesters. the first semester (this one) has the heaviest load, so that at the end of the year we have more time to write our thesis papers and do our research. isn't that grand? so here i was, box in one hand, book in the other, trying to juggle everything at the same time. i was really, really happy i didn't have to work as well.
because of course in the first week, something inside the new couch snapped so we had to yell at the store to get us a new one, one of the chandeliers turned out to have 100 year old wiring so the electricity cabinet started smoking, our new ikea bed turned out to be the worst purchase i ever made so we had to yell at ikea to get us a new one (2 hours to put together the first one, an hour to take it apart, another 2 hours to put together the second one), the cable company forgot to move our account so we had to yell at them too, after waiting in line for 45 minutes and i STILL haven't found the time to get a new driver's license (the old one was stolen, remember). oh, and my friend's husband who was supposed to put up 'rails' on the ceiling so we can hang up paintings and stuff without having to ruin our walls, got a major case of angina so my walls are still awfully white.
however. the new kitchen? i freaking love it!! so much space to cut, stir etc. and the dishwasher! my first time and i already don't know how i ever did without one. the bedroom? i put together the closet (ikea, again) all by myself and it looks spectacular. and the garden!! waking up, sipping coffee in the garden, sun on my face. not too shabby. the cat loves his new territory too.
all in all life is pretty great.
on top of all of this, one of my dearest overseas friend is getting married and that is the best news i had during these last, somewhat chaotic, two weeks. again, congratulations. i don't know of anyone who deserves love and happiness more than you do. and that's not just an empty phrase. love!
what else, what else? visited two americans who are living in amsterdam for a month - great people, wish i had more time to spend with them. i'm going to see bob dylan with maarten in october which i'm really excited about. and some birdie told me jack johnson is coming to town (=amsterdam) in january and he might bring special guests.... shhh, though.
so how's bayou?
today, saturday, marks the second last day of my two week 'vacation'. i am aware that two weeks of 'vacation', even if it's between quotation marks, sounds like a wet dream to the average american. and imagine people over here told me to take three weeks because two is 'just not enough to really relax'.
anyway.
these past two weeks we have moved into our new home. the first week all we did was drive around with vans and station wagons, from basement to closets to the old home back to the new house. the first two days we couldn't move freely from one spot to the other because of all the boxes and other crap lying on the floor. but now, it's starting to feel like a house. and even like home. because the first week and a half? i felt like i was visiting and the owners had just stepped out and we were supposed to watch the house. nothing felt like ours. everything was too new and pretty. good thing that feeling is wearing of now.
at the same time, my classes started two weeks ago. wahoo! this year, my last, is divided into 4 semesters. the first semester (this one) has the heaviest load, so that at the end of the year we have more time to write our thesis papers and do our research. isn't that grand? so here i was, box in one hand, book in the other, trying to juggle everything at the same time. i was really, really happy i didn't have to work as well.
because of course in the first week, something inside the new couch snapped so we had to yell at the store to get us a new one, one of the chandeliers turned out to have 100 year old wiring so the electricity cabinet started smoking, our new ikea bed turned out to be the worst purchase i ever made so we had to yell at ikea to get us a new one (2 hours to put together the first one, an hour to take it apart, another 2 hours to put together the second one), the cable company forgot to move our account so we had to yell at them too, after waiting in line for 45 minutes and i STILL haven't found the time to get a new driver's license (the old one was stolen, remember). oh, and my friend's husband who was supposed to put up 'rails' on the ceiling so we can hang up paintings and stuff without having to ruin our walls, got a major case of angina so my walls are still awfully white.
however. the new kitchen? i freaking love it!! so much space to cut, stir etc. and the dishwasher! my first time and i already don't know how i ever did without one. the bedroom? i put together the closet (ikea, again) all by myself and it looks spectacular. and the garden!! waking up, sipping coffee in the garden, sun on my face. not too shabby. the cat loves his new territory too.
all in all life is pretty great.
on top of all of this, one of my dearest overseas friend is getting married and that is the best news i had during these last, somewhat chaotic, two weeks. again, congratulations. i don't know of anyone who deserves love and happiness more than you do. and that's not just an empty phrase. love!
what else, what else? visited two americans who are living in amsterdam for a month - great people, wish i had more time to spend with them. i'm going to see bob dylan with maarten in october which i'm really excited about. and some birdie told me jack johnson is coming to town (=amsterdam) in january and he might bring special guests.... shhh, though.
so how's bayou?
Friday, September 9, 2005
brain's too fried
i've got something to say
when it feels right
i'll take the rough ride
and trust the hearts guide
i know
so many places to go
when it feels right
i'll choose the dark nights
over the daylight.
when it feels right
i'll take the rough ride
and trust the hearts guide
i know
so many places to go
when it feels right
i'll choose the dark nights
over the daylight.
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