so friday was the last day at my job. i took a week off before i will start my new job at a new company. i should be euphoric, right? instead i feel utterly depressed.

it's hard to realize that i gave up. i'm not really a quitter, by nature. i have (almost) always worked for companies where my kind of work (pr, marketing, communication, whatever you want to call it) was.... not profoundly supported, to put it mildly. i took this job because things got tricky at the old job and it was a job that allowed me to go to school and work on my research. now that i've graduated, i felt it was time for the next level. instead, they forced me to take step back. that's why i'm leaving.

i worked at this company (let's call it R) for only 2.5 years, but it seems like ages. i've struggled with prejudice, ancient routines, lack of knowledge, three rebrandings, a take-over, numerous management changes. not to mention the fact that they love one thing most at R: gossip. on the other hand, working at R felt like being part of a really big family. warm, fun, a few disputes here and there... just like home i guess.

i feel like there was still so much work for me to do, with people on whos talent i could thrive. but when you see and know that the management makes it impossible for you to do it right, you need to accept the fact that it is time to move on. i know it's just work, but that realization and the decision that came with it, really hurt.

so friday they gave me an excellent goodbye. i had baked pies which everyone seemed to enjoy, i got way too many presents and three of my favorite co-workers took me on a three hour lunch at a really nice restaurant: hotel new york. it's in the old building of the former holland-america line (the boat that took your granny to america, yo), which they thought would be fitting because of my mild obsession with the u.s..

i left with drive in, drive out blasting through the speakers and for a minute or five i was really happy. my new job is very promising and i really like the people i have met there so far. i also love the fact that i'm finally going to work for an organisation that makes a contribution to society, instead of just polluting the earth a little more and taking advantage of the misfortune in other countries.

i'm just really going to miss some people and i'm just really REALLY pissed off that it's all so effing unnecessary. i guess i'm saying too many goodbyes this week.

to everyone getting married (whenever):

DO.

NOT.

HUNCH.

i can't stand it. it ruins the dress, it ruins the pictures, it ruins whatever you were going for.

thank you.

i'm lame

last year of high school

1. Who was your best friend?
elvira, jeannette, reineke
2.What sports did you play?
field hockey
3. What kind of car did you drive?
no-one drives a car in high school in the netherlands - well, almost no-one. i didn't either.
4. It's Friday night, where were you?
labierinth (a bar)
5. Were you a party animal?
yah
6. Were you considered a flirt?
HAHAHAHA. no.
7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
pffft.
8. Were you a nerd?
nnnnnnnnno?
9. We're you suspended/expelled
yeah, after i told the german teacher that he was the worst teacher in history
10. Could you sing the fight song?
we don't have fight songs in the ole nl
11. Who were your favorite teachers?
mr. van rijn - he thought i was promising.
12. Where did you sit during lunch?
outside - we'd usually stand during lunch
13.What was your school's full name?
aloysius college
14. School mascot?
again this is the nl
15. Did you go to Prom?
no prom in the nl, yo!!!
16. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
no fucking way in hell
17. What do you remember most about graduation?
lame mothers asking if my dad was single
18. What was your fave class?
dutch, english, greek and history - in that order
19. Where were you on senior skip day?
pardon?
20. Did you have a job your senior year?
waitressing at a bar on the beach
21. Where did you go most often for lunch?
we'd take lunch with us from home
22. Have you gained weight since then?
LOADS
23. What did you do after graduation?
i worked and went to greece with some friends
24. When did you graduate?1992
25. Who was your Senior prom date?
NA
26. Are you going to your 10 year reunion?
i did. it was fun
27. Who was your home room teacher?
pardon?
28. What was your favorite thing to eat at lunch?
baguette with gouda cheese
29. Who was your boy/girlfriend?
HA. i won't get into that if you don't mind
30. What was your favorite memory your senior year?
graduating
31. Did you like how you looked in your senior pictures?
i was freaking hot.

my grandfather

• grandpa picking me up from school on wednesdays
• grandpa driving me home, in a car full of motor parts
• grandpa scrubbing his hands with 'green soap' after working all day
• grandpa carrying me wrapped in a blanket when i was really sick
• grandpa putting a half-melted mars bar in my hand whenever he came over
• grandpa washing my hair in the sink
• grandpa asking me if i had already done my mavo exam, when i had been doing gymnasium for four years
• grandpa telling me to sit in the chair that was close to the kitchen, so that i could pass on beer and coffee to him and maarten
• grandpa making sugared toast and strong tea, which grandma and me ate and drank in bed on lazy sundays
• grandpa saying goodbye to my grandmother after she died
  
  goodbye, opa cas.

question

how do we feel about 'lover lay down' with a tilted fire dancer beneath it (so that it looks like the fire dancer is laying down), tattooed on someone's ass?

i really need someone to help me with this.

(and no, i'm not contemplating getting a tattoo like that on my own hiney)

finally

i had already finished a couple of paragraphs at home, but since i seem to never get around on finishing this damn post over there, i might as well start over here - during the last days of my current job. i'm rounding up things here as they are anyway...

so, dmb in brussels.

let me warn you upfront about the massive amount of gush that is in this post. it's hard to put into words what you feel in music, especially in a language that is not your own, while trying to avoid the obvious cliches. needless to say, i didn't succeed. but as always, it's my blog, so fuck it.

we got there at 1.30 PM (the doors would open at 6-ish) and we were the very first warehouse members in line. we waited at the gate that said "guests", because that's where the guy from the venue i spoke to on the phone told me to wait (i called three times and he confirmed thrice). we soon got company from a busload of italians, all members of the italian fan association 'confusion'.

they were very nice and very italian (which meant they kept offering red wine and talked like they were collectively on speed). no really, it was again fun to talk to other fans for a change. of course there is always the stalker ("i spent the entire night in brussels looking for dave!") and the bragger (me, to be honest. "yeah? well, i've been to the gorge"), but that's okay. at about 4 PM, we noticed there was another line forming at the register, way to the left of the building (we were on the right). some italians checked out what it was for, and it turned out that that was in fact the warehouse line. needless to say, after changing queus, we were now 20-something in line.

THAT SUCKED.

i don't mind waiting an entire day, but when you're first in line, you want to keep it that way after 3.5 hours of sitting uncomfortably on your ass on the sidewalk. now first in line were a couple of american guys (nice guys, btw). one of the italian girls started to try and convince on of the guys to let her cut in front of him, because technically, she had been there first. i jokingly said: "well, i think we should cut in front of you then", and she never spoke to me again. heee.

maarten was lagging behind a bit, so we indeed ended up being the 21st and 22nd to get in. i hadn't need to worry, since the italians were all cluttering in front of the mic stand center stage, although the two giant speakers that were standing next to either side of the mic stand must have blocked their view. maarten and i got a spot right next to that and i could honestly see way better from there. all in all i was very content - i would be able to see all band members very well (and even butch) and would most of all have the best view in the house on carter.

obsessed with my location, much? you bet your ass i am. i have been waiting ten years (okay, nine) for them to return to almost-the-netherlands and god knows if they'll be back. this was my one chance and i was desperately determined to fully exploit it.

anyway. the first half hour after getting in, we could still sit on the floor with our backs resting on the fence/gate (?) in front of the gate. after that, general admission tickets were allowed in and hundreds of people came storming in, rushing towards us. scary sight. so we got up and started leaning on the gate/fence thing for another couple of hours. my back already felt wonderfully broken in half. (standing still is not really my... forte). two french girls ended up standing behind us, who immediately protested after we got up: "you are too tall!". one of them suggested they would stand in front of us. to all of you who think i'm that nice: guess again.

so, back to the show.

after what seemed a week of waiting, dave came on stage to introduce the opener: tom morello. a small observation: italians, whether male or female, SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM. holy shit. i was instantly deaf. so was dave (it seemed he thought it was a bit too much). but he managed to give tom morello a proper introduction.

tom morello
it was definitely very different from what i expected from him. but it was... decent, although i kept thinking 'hello there, bob'. tom morello is one pissed off angry young man. at one pointing he started saying that he wanted to remind us there are millions of americans who did not want bush in office and who are not in favor the governement's policy. (i've been saying it all along, tom, but they won't listen to me). next, he was screaming (really, screaming) that they were working on getting bush's ass out of office and into jail. this made me giggle - jail? sure, buddy. a large part of the crowd (including the americans and lead on by the italians - of course) LOVED this however. i couldn't help but think: 'easy score' - although i'm sure he meant every word.

i'm not ashamed to admit that i was glad that he sang his last song - not because i didn't like the music, but because by then, i was quite ready for the band to start playing. they dismantled tom's mic (the crowded spot) and placed dave's mic about 1.5 meters to the right... towards my side of the stage. i sniggered. told you i'm not nice!!

dmb
ah, when they came on stage... my memory flashed back to gorge 2002, when i first saw dmb walk on stage. back then, i fell silent and could only pray that they please start playing, desperate for it all to be real. this time, i could enjoy the build-up of anticipation much more. i must admit, being front row and getting smiled at by stefan and seeing carter enthusiastically chewing his gum, obviously eager to start playing, had a lot to do with that.

Still Water-->
Don’t Drink the Water
you still water nay sayers should hush. it is the best intro to ddtw as an opener ever! you KNOW that is the intro to ddtw as soon as they start playing it and i got so, so, so, so over-the-top EXCITED (capitals are needed and damn my english cause it was so much more). the italian girl standing on my left and i raised our arms slowly when they came to the end of the intro, waiting for carter to kick-off...

YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHWHOOPYDOOPYDOOHOLYSHITWOWAIGHTAIGHTAIGHTSLAMMINDUNKGETYOURROCKSOFFHONEYYEAH!
no tears, no awe, no 'i can't believe it', no 'god whiney whiney i've waited so long'. just an overwhelming feeling of YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! right here, right now.

and i instantly knew, i'm forever spoiled. within a minute into the song, i knew i was front row bitch. it is SO much fun to interact with stefan. i always imagined him to be somewhat arrogant and only into front-row barely 18-year old beauties, but the guy is a feast to watch and he has a smile and party-face for everyone. it might all be an act, but it seemed like he was really inviting us to rock our booties off with him.

When The World Ends
"are you kidding me?", said the blasé italian behind me. i just smiled again in memory of the gorge. the first two songs in brussels where my first two songs ever, way back when in washington. you won't get bitchin' from me. nice italian girl on the left and i noticed that the accoustics where rotten in this venue. mainly because the audio mix wasn't well - dave's voice was kind of drowning (i later heard that in the back of the venue, the sound kept bouncing off the walls, too). we also both immediately decided that we wouldn't care.

Grey Street
the nice italian girl on my left went bezerk and pulled me in her wake. again, the interaction with stefan and carter (who kept giving everyone butterfly kisses) was marvelous. i was a bit annoyed by a guy who kept up a sign "leroi, smile with us". is that rude? i thought it was a bit rude.

on the brass note: rashawn ross? JAWDROP. maarten had a funny observation. he said: "it seems like he's just standing there, sweating and breathing heavily, thinking: "please get me off this stage right now" the entire time, until it is time for him to play and then you suddenly know that he was thinking: "can i play already, can i, can i?? YES I CAN!" all along". and that was exactly how it looked.

Dream Girl
i admit it - i've waited too long writing this review. i don't really remember this one and i haven't listened to the show yet to trigger my memory. sorry.

Crash
...is the french girl's favorite. i thought about offering her to stand in front of me for this one, but since she acted like such a bitch, i figured it would probably end up me losing my spot for the rest of the show - and i really needed that fence/gate thing to lean on.

they were dropping on the floor like crazy behind me. girls, boys alike - they kept fainting and being pulled to the side of the stage. i definitely didn't want that to happen to me, so i clang to the fence/gate. i think in the end about 20 people blacked out.

back to the song. luckily, i'm not cursed with anti-radio-sentiments because dmb never gets played on the radio over here, period. and being objective, i can honestly say i really enjoy this song for what it's worth. it's sweet, sexy yet delicate and fun.

Jimi Thing
at this point, dmb got a new fan: maarten. "did you see that violin player! look at him! he's awesome! there are no words!" he kept repeating. isn't that the cutest thing? and he was right, too - it was off the hook. the italian midget alanis morisette next to me thought she needed to spice things up a bit by singing along in a very high key, vibrations and everything, but i was able to faze her out.

The Maker
when dave introduced it, i was the only one in a crowd of say 7.000 to say 'yeah!' and clap. no love for the maker in europe? guess so. did y'all ever observe leroi during this song by the way? i think he was actually praying. he sang along, hands folded, eyes closed (he took off his glasses a couple of times). he looked me straight in the eyes and nodded. maybe because i was the only one mouthing the words along. yes, i had to mention that.

Louisiana Bayou
i like it. dave nodded at me. yes, i had to mention that.

Sister
yeah, yeah, yeah - i got all teary eyed again. it's so pretty! and with carter, leroi and rashawn singing in the background... very nice. they kept goofing around by the way. it was funny but distracting.

after dave sang this delicate song which should come with an instant 'silentio' spell, he re-introduced tom morello, who would join the band for a couple of songs.

#41
sure. i'm glad the band and i understand each other so well. HAHAHAHAHA.

no, seriously. during jimi thing i already knew that if they wouldn't play it, it would still be a perfect night. i wasn't even hoping for it any more. that's what made it extra special. the unexpected gift during the best birthday party you ever had. i remember someone talking to me about tom morello when they started playing it and me basically telling him to shut up. sorry!

i loved that tom morello was guesting on this one. my favorite versions of #41 are with a guest, because i know the song so well, that it is exciting to hear what others (besides the band) make of it. oh, one of the speakers gave during this one btw. boo! hiss! not to worry though, not to worry.

a little tom & dave

Satellite
okay - we have already established that it's not my favorite. therefore, thank you tom morello for spicing it up, for once.

Crush
can i just say one more time that i have brand new respect for stefan?

Down By The River
my first time. i need to hear it back but i do remember enjoying it.

Ants Marching
hell yeah! how many times can i say that i was so excited and it was all so awesome before it gets boring? i've crossed that line already? yeah, next time i need to write a review while listening to the recordings of the show. at least i could say more interesting stuff, triggered by a now failing memory.

but at least i remember the feeling of giddyness. and the proud realization that i would probably never see the band in such an *intimate* setting ever again. never mind the girl passing out next to me. although i did feel sorry for her. i was impressed by the way with the number of people who could sing along with the 'fast' bit. english being a foreign language to us.

carter is SO loved on this side of the ocean by the way. people actually were about to start a riot when he was handing out his drum sticks. he had tried to throw one in the crowd after ddtw or wtwe before, which fell on edge of the stage and was passed on by dave. the girl standing at the gate/fence was crushed - it seem the entire floor was reaching for the damn thing.

during the break, we decided to move to the back of the venue, to first rows of the bleechers. maarten hadn't been feeling well all night and he wanted to get out of the venue asap when the show would end. i'm glad we did that, because it was still pretty close and i could see the lighting much better and appreciate everything from a different perspective (litterally).

So Damn Lucky
one of maarten's favorites. he kept singing it in the car on the way back to the netherlands. i thought it was cute. i'm probably the only one, but you get like that when your spouse is not as much of a fan as you are.

American Baby Intro
holy shit carter. after you're done with james, i'd like to have your babies too.

Two Step
i thought of you sarah, you cheat ;). it was a great, great version. the intro was about his daughter asking him questions (that's what i made of it anyway) and should definitely be on the two step site. we could dance more freely where we were now and it was a perfect way to end the night. i can't tell you how much you enjoy a dmb show when you get so little chances to see one. how justified you feel to be front row to boot and you've really experienced it WITH the band. how wonderful it is to finally make a loved one understand what all the fuss is about. i'm not even sure that it all happened. when we woke up in our hotel just across the border the next day, it could easily have been all a dream. being so close, having SUCH a good time, hearing ddtw, crash, jimy thing, grey street, #41!!!!!!!!!! etc.

i do know that i'm utterly annoyed by my own post. you know what? i don't care :).

THE BAND WAS HERE!

the review is not done yet

so i decided to cut bangs this weekend.

remind me to never do that again.

thanks.

in other news: i've got a new job!!!!

mo' money, less hours. momma like.