don't read

it's 10.40 and i'm at work. this is pretty standard, on a friday. except, i'm not working. i'm posting on this here blog (or what's left of it). before i started writing this, i was browsing on the internet, reading other people's blogs. people i hardly or even don't know at all. reading about their lives, their hopes and dreams, stuff they're thinking about. and while i was reading, i was thinking. about my life, my hopes and dreams, my thoughts. thinking about my thoughts. excellent. you can tell english is not my native tongue.


i also did some school work this morning. for my american civilization class. i had to prepare a debate and of course, 'my' debate will be about the european misconception of american culture. i don't think my class will expect anything else. i think my professor will be annoyed. i don't care. i'm swimming against the stream. because that's what i have always done.


there's this picture of me as a (very) little girl. i have just fallen off my bike and i'm trying to get the darn thing up again. i'm standing over it, frowning, the tip of my tongue sticking out of my mouth. you can see me thinking: "i will, i must, i will, i must". that's me. then and now. i will do this, i must do that. other options? not noticing any. because i will, i must. my eye isn't on the goal, it's on the way to get there. anywhere. as long as i get through it. i feel only safe when i have to struggle.


i'm having so many regrets lately. i used to not have any. bad experiences where there to learn from. every struggle in life had made me a better person. i'm esther because of my past. blah blah blah. i don't feel like that anymore. i want to do it all over again. everything. okay, not everything. but many things. i miss things. like when i lived just with my mom and in the summer, she would let me stay up till late and i would sit outside in my pj's, listening to the musicians in our street jamming together.


there is more culture per inch in holland than anywhere else, yet we are afraid to have dinner with our own neighbors.


where was i? oh yeah, those summer nights. i miss those. i also miss being a teenager. i miss waking up without looking like i have been stressing out for the past three years. i miss being mad at the grown-ups and feeling one with my peers, without losing my own identity. where are the passionate discussions about life, and literature, and language and cultures and politics and cars and plastic surgery and and and? i miss having my life in front of me. what am i talking about at 32? well, the older you get, the more people expect from you. it's like there's this universal list of things you should have accomplished at 32. other people are telling me what is in front of me now. i miss being different. life's not exciting any more. it's just hard work. i miss laughing like crazy.


i feel like i've written this post a million times before. so that means i must do something about it.


and that's where i end up. every time. because i really do not know where to go from there. is this my thirty something crisis? am i just the equivalent of a 50 year old man who suddenly buys a harley davidson and gets hair implants? why am i not satisfied? don't i have it all, and still have stuff to shoot for? am i just a spoiled brat who is bored out of her mind? all i know is that i can not live like this for the next 50 years. i simply can't. i can't think of anything that sparks in my life. hot damn i'm being a draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag. i want to kick and scream and run and jump and trash and cut and bruise and laugh and cry and tell and listen and wonder.
why am i here and what should i do? holy crap, isn't that something i covered 15 years ago? this is really tiresome. i can't even stand reading my own words. it's so pathetic. moronic. idiotic. laughable. i am just so tired. and ashamed. 50 years ago, people were dealing with real issues. like will i have enough money to feed my kids tonight or don't i have to worry about that because a bomb will fall on our tiny spot of the world today anyway.


i remember this girl on the old nancies list who made a post during the time that america was about to invade iraq (or was it afghanistan? anyway) and she was whining and being pissed off that she had to travel 50 miles further to see dmb because they wouldn't play at her town that year. i have become that girl. i ripped her a new one. and should take my own medicin.


i secretely know what would make me really happy right now. a trip. maybe i'll take the rest of the day off and go to the beach. stare at the ocean. stop bothering you guys with my annoying, childish, self-centered ramble.


adios.