Keeping the Faith - a summer party in America

Oh, look at me, blogging for one and a half horse's head*. Blogging is out, blogging is so 1.0, blogging is for people too illiterate and emotional to express their feelers in 140 characters.

What the F ever. Blogging after my US trips is also cathartic. I always need some of that because of the post trip blues.

So please, move along further into the 21st century, while I lament about how much I want to live in the States and how awesome the awesomeness awesometh from all the awesomies around my own awesome self. Cause this here is my party and I'll cry if I want to.

But if you want to read along anyway, rest assured; I'm not going to list a blow by blow of this trip. Just some thoughts. On undutchables. And me, me, me of course. Because a pity party calls for some narcism.

Chicago
Thursday I was out for drinks with a friend whom just had returned from Chicago herself. We were trying to come up with a good way for us Dutch folk to describe the city and from an outsiders perspective, I think she nailed it. She said: "Chicago is a smaller, prettier, friendlier and most of all a lot more subdued version of New York".

NYC is still my favorite American city. How could it not be? However, whereas New York would surely attempt to swallow me whole, I could see myself actually living in Chicago. Easily. I'd get a bike and ride up and down the shoreline on weekends. Go to Cubs games. Have a job. Bask in Midwestern friendliness. Sit on the 'beach'. Go on hikes outside the city with Yannick. Make enemies with my Dutch cynism. Make friends in spite of that. So, on The List of Esther, Chicago is tied in second place with San Francisco.

Also, good job, Chicago, on the architecture. Blew me the fuck away, specifically because of the combination of modern, ecologically responsible construction with those typical midwestern feel brick buildings.

DMB
BEF opened [stay up your fucking tree]. I got my #41. There was a Captain. Spoon with Brandi Carlisle was mind blowing. There was a What Would You Say. Two Step was awesome. We managed to end up with a bigger group in a row both nights. No regrets here.

Creek
It wasn't until I got back home after a delayed flight, which meant I had to immediately go into a meeting that I thought: "Maybe I'm too old for this". And then immediately dismissed it.
My mom** accuses my travels to the US of being "just very expensive escapism". She's wrong - except for maybe Creek. It is in fact three days of drinking waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much, smoking (which I don't do anymore - but apparently I do at Creek), whining about my arthritis (at one point my ankles were wider than my feet), popping pills to fight off said arthritis and other hangovers, eating crap (although it wasn't that bad this year) and laughing. Laughing, laughing, laughing. So much laughing. An escape? Yes. Do I care? No.

Friends
I completely dropped the ball on catching up with Sarah. I'm glad I got to hang out with her and we had fun, but because there were no car rides together to or from the campsite, or a couple of days of 'normalcy' in Nashville, we only managed to cram in just a couple of inquisitive questions. Unacceptable. Personally, I'm rooting for an MSG weekend with an extra Sarah & Esther day in NYC this fall, to make up for it :).

Once again I met some awesome new people this trip. And was so glad to hang out with the ones I'd already met. No matter what these relationships are to be called exactly - friendships, 'buddyships', it's wonderful to be able to just be yourself. Whether it's something Dutch or the limiting ties of everyday friendships, it's not that easy to just 'let loose' back home. I did some crazy stuff this trip (like kissing random - as in, I don't know their name - strangers), but I didn't feel judged for a second. I'll admit that I did feel embarassed on a couple occassions... Who knocks themself out on a slip 'n' slide? Not to mention kiss random, nameless strangers?

The group at Creek was the smallest I've been a part of thus far. In my opinion that didn't diminish the fun at all. If anything, we all camped and hung out together, in the shade of four easy-ups. Instead of the usual East and West situation going on there ;). And no matter how much fun was being made of me (Jennifer), I felt taken care of. Safe.

Special mention should be riding cars with boys from Chicago to Noblesville. I felt like I was in the back seat of an episode of An American Bromance. Oh, wait... All kidding aside, I felt blessed being a part of 120 hours of on going banter, music and hilarity, with room to spare for the occasional heartfelt talk. And beer. So. Much. Beer.

Conluding
- Chicago rules
- My American friends rule even more
- Maybe a little less beer, a bit more talk. And subsequently a little less kissing random strangers
- Don't drunk slip 'n slide
- Get back as soon as fucking possible

* Dutch expression, meaning: very few people
** Yes, I do still have mommy issues at 40

Beer Week

Texts I sent Becker in the past week:

• I'm here!!! F it's hot! Yes, beer!!!
• I'll wave at you[r office] with the beer I'm about to have in 45 minutes
• I feel like this train is about to take a nose dive
• You're already the best host ever
• I'm near Fullerton. Biertje?
• Train kaput. Yay!

Texts I sent Sarah in the past week:

• MISS YOUR FACE
• I caved and bought an American blow drier. I'm officially pathetic
• Are you bringing any beer?
• Chicago is prettier than New York. Omg did I just say that?
• Bier! Bier! Bier! Bier!
• I'm sitting here with four guys who just talk beer
• Are you almost here?
• [After she went to sit in her car during a thunder storm] Bring the fireball whiskey when you get back
• [Back in the NL] I took a nap at work today. It was glorious and necessary. This week has worn me out!

Text I sent Bobbo in the past week:

• Could you bring 24 Kraft singles?
• Zoning out

Texts Popejoy sent me in the past week:

• Where r u
• Come back where y were
• Hurry up

The diagnosis

When there's a lot going on around him, the kid gets excited. He'll flap his arms. He'll make guttural noises.

We had just moved to our new place, he was still adjusting to living down town. A very busy neighborhood with lots of activity going on 24/7. One day we were walking down the shopping strip when a woman came walking towards us. The kid was flapping and grunting and the woman just... stared at him. Not very subtle, either. Her mouth was hanging open. Her eyes were popping.

I could just see it in them: "Retard".

As she was coming nearer, she just kept on staring. I was shooting daggers at her, but she was too busy gaping at my kid to notice.

But he certainly notice her. Looked right at her. Stopped in his tracks. Stopped flapping. Found his voice. And exclaimed: "You don't get to look at me".

My kid has classical autism.

And in case you didn't know yet: he's awesome.

The diagnosis wasn't a surprise. The surprise was the way the outside world dealt with it.
I don't get it. He's very sociable for someone with autism. His IQ is way above average. That's not me talking - that's the report drawn up by a bunch of psychologists who studied this shit. My own diagnosis? He's Y. He's funny. And adorkable. And cute. And stubborn. And everything.

Sure - sometimes I want to strangle him. When he wants to watch the same movie for the 1000th time. On the other hand - how many moms can say that their six year old cleans up after himself?

Some nights, I can't sleep. I don't know how all this will end. How he'll end up. If he'll make it in 'the real world'. There's no use though. All I have is now. And right now, he's doing great.
And I know I can't make the world stop judging him. I can only make him feel good about himself.

Come what sorrow can, it cannot countervail the exchange of joy

Miss you.

Miss you.

Miss you so fucking much.

(I'll write something not so attention whorish soon. Like a blog about the Label. Will do. Just hungering right now.)


(And how are you?)

Behold my wisdom

Lochte = Stalone

(I cannot believe no one else (that I know of) has noticed this yet)

Redundant, boring and deceitful

This blog is so dull and meaningless.

Yes - I am in that state. Run while you still can.

Anyhoo.

Yes - I just said that.

I never blogged about the latest installment of 'Deer Creek Debauchery', nor 'Nashville - The Musical'. Which both happened in June. The reason I didn't blog the usual stuff I tend to write about, isn't that I didn't have time. That's bullshit - writing a blog takes about 5 to 10 minutes. I think the main reason is that I treat this blog like it's my journal - and no matter how much I love you, I don't want you to know everything. So when shit is going on inside my head I don't want you to know about - I don't see the point of blogging at all. I'm not very good at whipping up half truths. Or maybe I'm really good at it and didn't feel like doing it here.

Yeah, that sounds more like me.

I guess today though, today I'm comfortable with spouting only half of what I want to say. So here I am.

Needless to say, I had a great time back Home. I always do. I really can't think of a trip that was only so-so. Sometimes I regret that I'm not seeing anything else in the world because of my sold heart. Sure, I'd like to visit South America or Australia and New Zealand and maybe, and that's with an emphasis on 'may' - not 'be', I'd even want to explore Japan and/or China. The reality is that the mere idea of such a trip would mean missing out on 2 to 3 trips to the States is enough to quickly dismiss such fantasies. I thank the deities I at least got to travel to India and South Africa - besides most of Europe. Before I got hooked.

Why?

Truth is: I don't know. Yes, the country is beautiful. Yes, the people are friendly and unknowingly innocent and optimistic. Yes, I haven't even begun to fully explore it. But that's not it. The reason is that I feel at home. It is Home. And although that doesn't make sense because I'm incredibly Dutch and rude and freakishly tall, I've never been anywhere else where I feel so much like me.

That doesn't mean I can't be uncomfortable. God knows I was uncomfortable during my last trip. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and hide from my body. Pain had a great deal to do with that. Even though I love the south, it's not easy on me. The humidity fucks up my system.
Truth be told, I wasn't just uncomfortable because of my body hurting - I was even more uncomfortable because I realized it's just not my disease hurting it. It's not some new realization of course. And I'll never be a herbal tea shooting, tofu snorting runnerexic. But after two years of mostly sitting on my ass because I was completely floored with the knowledge my body was betraying me and I had to learn to deal with pain daily, it's time to man the fuck up and treat what is left of my physical side with some goddamn respect.

So I started yoga again. I know, it's for pussies. But it's the most practical thing because I can do it at home. As long as I don't have a pool right outside my house, this is the thing I can do. This is the thing I can do to be a little less uncomfortable.

And I'm in the process of breaking up with the toxic love of my life: smoking. This will be my fifth try, so yeah - I'm not quitting cold turkey on a whim. I might be forced to go cold turkey because shit doesn't sit well with my regular meds. But that doesn't matter - I need to prepare the mind, yo. I have about 1,000 reasons to quit and only 1 to not quit. The one reason? Weight gain. That's it. VANITY. And trust me - it's enough to cower and hide in my hazy shithole called Denial and pretend I'm not killing myself. Or the mother of my kid.

Sure, my kid will appreciate a fat mom more than a dead one, but he's not the one having to look in the mirror and see the bigger picture (I just made a joke). I don't expect you to understand it, but going back to that is not something I'm looking forward to.

That's it kids. That's my short term commitment right there.

One more thing though - just because I feel like being nice to myself and trips down memory lane are still my favorite, my top 5-s of Nashville and what came after:

Nashville

1. The weather (doesn't make sense after the rant above, but you don't know what it's been like in the NL. So trust me on this).
2. Getting complimented on my 20 Euro HEMA jeans by the snobby girl at 7 for All Mankind. 
3. Chuys and margaritas. I don't need to explain that, do I?
4. Robert's. I finally got to experience a honky tonk bar. And it's NOTHING what I expected. I need to go back there.
5. Sarah. Because over the years, she's become a very well treasured friend.

What came after

1. Robert and Annelise. Robert came first, but it still applies; these people are the oasis in a desert of too much alcohol, being confused and dealing with my foot being lodged in my mouth. Bless them.
2. Rocking out to Call me, Maybe. Don't give me shit. That song is the bomb. Dancing to it is the bomb. Even when you're sitting down in a car on a five hour drive.
3. Spending 4 hours at Philadelphia airport. Because it gave me time to figure out everything I was confused about. And even provided time for me to conclude I will remain confused because I'm just emotionally crippled. It's okay to not be okay. I'm just a product of my life and still happy most of the time. It's okay that I'm still 12 years old in some respect. At least I can see that it's all in my head and not real. Wow - vague much? I guess teenagers just are.
4. Halloween. I may have embarrassed my seat partner and I apologize. But it was what the teenager needed. 
5. Team USA. And I don't have enough history to know who's a member and who's not. To me, it's just Team USA. The people I shared 48 hours of the finest escapism with. 

Love. Oh - August 23 we'll get the profile on Yannick from the Autism Center. I might blog about that. Maybe :).

Wow - that was one angry post...

Just to make something clear - I don't mind when people talk about what sets Y apart or when they call it autism. Hell, I've called it 'probably autism' plenty of times.

What I can't handle is the way some people tend to focus on just that. Forget how smart he is, how cheerful and even how social.

But I make it my mission to not let them forget all that other stuff. I won't.

Hear me roar!!