This blog is so dull and meaningless.
Yes - I am in that state. Run while you still can.
Anyhoo.
Yes - I just said that.
I never blogged about the latest installment of 'Deer Creek Debauchery', nor 'Nashville - The Musical'. Which both happened in June. The reason I didn't blog the usual stuff I tend to write about, isn't that I didn't have time. That's bullshit - writing a blog takes about 5 to 10 minutes. I think the main reason is that I treat this blog like it's my journal - and no matter how much I love you, I don't want you to know
everything. So when shit is going on inside my head I don't want you to know about - I don't see the point of blogging at all. I'm not very good at whipping up half truths. Or maybe I'm really good at it and didn't feel like doing it here.
Yeah, that sounds more like me.
I guess today though, today I'm comfortable with spouting only half of what I want to say. So here I am.
Needless to say, I had a great time back Home. I always do. I really can't think of a trip that was only so-so. Sometimes I regret that I'm not seeing anything else in the world because of my sold heart. Sure, I'd like to visit South America or Australia and New Zealand and maybe, and that's with an emphasis on 'may' - not 'be', I'd even want to explore Japan and/or China. The reality is that the mere idea of such a trip would mean missing out on 2 to 3 trips to the States is enough to quickly dismiss such fantasies. I thank the deities I at least got to travel to India and South Africa - besides most of Europe. Before I got hooked.
Why?
Truth is: I don't know. Yes, the country is beautiful. Yes, the people are friendly and unknowingly innocent and optimistic. Yes, I haven't even begun to fully explore it. But that's not it. The reason is that I feel at home. It
is Home. And although that doesn't make sense because I'm incredibly Dutch and rude and freakishly tall, I've never been anywhere else where I feel so much like
me.
That doesn't mean I can't be uncomfortable. God knows I was uncomfortable during my last trip. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and hide from my body. Pain had a great deal to do with that. Even though I love the south, it's not easy on me. The humidity fucks up my system.
Truth be told, I wasn't just uncomfortable because of my body hurting - I was even more uncomfortable because I realized it's just not my disease hurting it. It's not some new realization of course. And I'll never be a herbal tea shooting, tofu snorting runnerexic. But after two years of mostly sitting on my ass because I was completely floored with the knowledge my body was betraying me and I had to learn to deal with pain daily, it's time to man the fuck up and treat what is left of my physical side with some goddamn respect.
So I started yoga again. I know, it's for pussies. But it's the most practical thing because I can do it at home. As long as I don't have a pool right outside my house, this is the thing I can do. This is the thing I can do to be a little less uncomfortable.
And I'm in the process of breaking up with the toxic love of my life: smoking. This will be my fifth try, so yeah - I'm not quitting cold turkey on a whim. I might be forced to go cold turkey because shit doesn't sit well with my regular meds. But that doesn't matter - I need to prepare the mind, yo. I have about 1,000 reasons to quit and only 1 to not quit. The one reason? Weight gain. That's it. VANITY. And trust me - it's enough to cower and hide in my hazy shithole called Denial and pretend I'm not killing myself. Or the mother of my kid.
Sure, my kid will appreciate a fat mom more than a dead one, but he's not the one having to look in the mirror and see the bigger picture (I just made a joke). I don't expect you to understand it, but going back to that is not something I'm looking forward to.
That's it kids. That's my short term commitment right there.
One more thing though - just because I feel like being nice to myself and trips down memory lane are still my favorite, my top 5-s of Nashville and what came after:
Nashville
- The weather (doesn't make sense after the rant above, but you don't know what it's been like in the NL. So trust me on this).
- Getting complimented on my 20 Euro HEMA jeans by the snobby girl at 7 for All Mankind.
- Chuys and margaritas. I don't need to explain that, do I?
- Robert's. I finally got to experience a honky tonk bar. And it's NOTHING what I expected. I need to go back there.
- Sarah. Because over the years, she's become a very well treasured friend.
What came after
- Robert and Annelise. Robert came first, but it still applies; these people are the oasis in a desert of too much alcohol, being confused and dealing with my foot being lodged in my mouth. Bless them.
- Rocking out to Call me, Maybe. Don't give me shit. That song is the bomb. Dancing to it is the bomb. Even when you're sitting down in a car on a five hour drive.
- Spending 4 hours at Philadelphia airport. Because it gave me time to figure out everything I was confused about. And even provided time for me to conclude I will remain confused because I'm just emotionally crippled. It's okay to not be okay. I'm just a product of my life and still happy most of the time. It's okay that I'm still 12 years old in some respect. At least I can see that it's all in my head and not real. Wow - vague much? I guess teenagers just are.
- Halloween. I may have embarrassed my seat partner and I apologize. But it was what the teenager needed.
- Team USA. And I don't have enough history to know who's a member and who's not. To me, it's just Team USA. The people I shared 48 hours of the finest escapism with.
Love. Oh - August 23 we'll get the profile on Yannick from the Autism Center. I might blog about that. Maybe :).
