What is it with everyone touching the Holy Grail these days?! First Blof, then that bitch Lois or whatever the fuck her name was and now flippin freaking fucking Justin Timberlake?
GOD!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Esther in Wonderland
Setlist:
Heartbreak Warfare
Vultures
Belief
I don't trust myself (with loving you)
Perfectly lonely
Why Georgia
Waiting on the world to change (Brown Sugar)
Crossroads
Half of my heart
Bigger than my body
Gravity
---------
Free falling
Who says
Friends, lovers or nothing
As promised – a more ‘mature’ report on Wednesday night’s events.
A little background information:
- My reaction to the occasional JM song I’ve heard over the years has always been ‘hum hum hum’ at best and ‘meh’ at worst.
- The incessant comparison the Dutch seem to make between DMB and Mayer irks me to no end. To me, it was Vonnegut to Meyer. Dining in Tuscany to ordering in Domino’s. Seriously. What’s far more outrageous in my opinion, is that Mayer is way better known over here than DMB. How the fuck is that possible? Not Mayer's fault, but won't make me like him any better either.
- I’ve received numerous first hand reports on the offensive treatment that Mayer gives his fans. Uncool (I’m lame).
- All of the above has lead me to really, REALLY dislike the entire Schmayer phenomenon.
However, a couple of friends, whom I respect dearly, are fans. It is because of them, and one in particular, that I figured I needed to see the guy live or shut up in hating him. And so I did - I went. And now hopefully I dare say I have a somewhat informed opinion on the guy.
The setting at HMH is nice – the acoustics are great and it’s just small enough to let you believe that it’s not a complete corporate pop factory. The opener was Lisa Lois, some winner of some Idols rip-off, who screamed her way through her songs and then had to audacity to completely BUTCHER Hallelujah (full version to boot). Let’s just say Lisa should be glad we’re not allowed to carry weapons in the NL. That’s the Holy Grail you’ve put your little paws on, Lisa. Don’t. Ever. Touch. It. Again.
Fast forward to the main act. The stage for John Mayer and his band was scarcely lit. Except for one very bright spotlight, which followed around Le Schmayer during the entire show. Really, lighting directors? Do you really want to affirm me in my preconceived notions? Nice job, in that case.
Although I was underwhelmed with the first song (which the girls couldn’t believe, but whatever – it just didn’t do anything for me), by the fourth song (I Don’t Trust Myself) my thoughts were: “Shit, this night might actually result in me having to tell Sarah that I like it. Really, like it. Darn”.
But then with Perfectly Lonely, I got a strong sense of déjà vu; Blues riff. Song. Guitar solo. Chorus. Extended solo. Didn’t we just hear that, times four?
Fine, let’s give the guy a break. John Mayer is very musical. John Mayer is very talented. John Mayer is technically highly skilled. There. I said it.
But come Crossroads, leading tune to my adolescent blues obsessions, it was obvious: John Mayer never sold his soul to the devil. Didn’t even come close. He is not feeling the pain nor the high - he only compromises to both. His guitar is not trembling in the extension of his emotions. It is a showcase. And this is the reason why to me, Le Schmayer remains ‘hum hum hum’ at best. It’s because John Mayer is just adequate.
What’s weird, is that I care. I care that I see a guy so incredibly full of himself, that he must be highly insecure (in the ‘play’ below, I may have ridiculed, but I didn’t make anything up. These are things he actually said). I care in my guess that this insecurity -> self absorbedness -> settling. I guess I care because like I said, it’s obvious he could do much better, had he had a tad of modesty. Had he found the sound of his guitar more beautiful than the number of conquests notched up that thing.
It’s not helping that his constant verbal diarrhea is causing our little group to focus more and more on the painful display of See me! Love me! Twitter me! and the teeny bopper crowd’s response, instead of paying attention to the music. Exceptions were the great lighting to Gravity (hey – I’m visually oriented. I can appreciate a good light show) and one of my favourite ‘hum hum hum’ songs: Who Says I Can’t Get Stoned.
Highlight of the evening: hilarious times with the girls
Lowlight of the evening: the guy dry fingering his girlfriend up at the rail
Best thing I could say to Mayer: you made me doubt my previous opinions
Worst thing I could say to Mayer: your Ego is even worse than I thought, if that's even possible
Overall result: I don’t hate him anymore. I just think it’s a fucking shame he’ll never reach his full potential.
Heartbreak Warfare
Vultures
Belief
I don't trust myself (with loving you)
Perfectly lonely
Why Georgia
Waiting on the world to change (Brown Sugar)
Crossroads
Half of my heart
Bigger than my body
Gravity
---------
Free falling
Who says
Friends, lovers or nothing
As promised – a more ‘mature’ report on Wednesday night’s events.
A little background information:
- My reaction to the occasional JM song I’ve heard over the years has always been ‘hum hum hum’ at best and ‘meh’ at worst.
- The incessant comparison the Dutch seem to make between DMB and Mayer irks me to no end. To me, it was Vonnegut to Meyer. Dining in Tuscany to ordering in Domino’s. Seriously. What’s far more outrageous in my opinion, is that Mayer is way better known over here than DMB. How the fuck is that possible? Not Mayer's fault, but won't make me like him any better either.
- I’ve received numerous first hand reports on the offensive treatment that Mayer gives his fans. Uncool (I’m lame).
- All of the above has lead me to really, REALLY dislike the entire Schmayer phenomenon.
However, a couple of friends, whom I respect dearly, are fans. It is because of them, and one in particular, that I figured I needed to see the guy live or shut up in hating him. And so I did - I went. And now hopefully I dare say I have a somewhat informed opinion on the guy.
The setting at HMH is nice – the acoustics are great and it’s just small enough to let you believe that it’s not a complete corporate pop factory. The opener was Lisa Lois, some winner of some Idols rip-off, who screamed her way through her songs and then had to audacity to completely BUTCHER Hallelujah (full version to boot). Let’s just say Lisa should be glad we’re not allowed to carry weapons in the NL. That’s the Holy Grail you’ve put your little paws on, Lisa. Don’t. Ever. Touch. It. Again.
Fast forward to the main act. The stage for John Mayer and his band was scarcely lit. Except for one very bright spotlight, which followed around Le Schmayer during the entire show. Really, lighting directors? Do you really want to affirm me in my preconceived notions? Nice job, in that case.
Although I was underwhelmed with the first song (which the girls couldn’t believe, but whatever – it just didn’t do anything for me), by the fourth song (I Don’t Trust Myself) my thoughts were: “Shit, this night might actually result in me having to tell Sarah that I like it. Really, like it. Darn”.
But then with Perfectly Lonely, I got a strong sense of déjà vu; Blues riff. Song. Guitar solo. Chorus. Extended solo. Didn’t we just hear that, times four?
Fine, let’s give the guy a break. John Mayer is very musical. John Mayer is very talented. John Mayer is technically highly skilled. There. I said it.
But come Crossroads, leading tune to my adolescent blues obsessions, it was obvious: John Mayer never sold his soul to the devil. Didn’t even come close. He is not feeling the pain nor the high - he only compromises to both. His guitar is not trembling in the extension of his emotions. It is a showcase. And this is the reason why to me, Le Schmayer remains ‘hum hum hum’ at best. It’s because John Mayer is just adequate.
What’s weird, is that I care. I care that I see a guy so incredibly full of himself, that he must be highly insecure (in the ‘play’ below, I may have ridiculed, but I didn’t make anything up. These are things he actually said). I care in my guess that this insecurity -> self absorbedness -> settling. I guess I care because like I said, it’s obvious he could do much better, had he had a tad of modesty. Had he found the sound of his guitar more beautiful than the number of conquests notched up that thing.
It’s not helping that his constant verbal diarrhea is causing our little group to focus more and more on the painful display of See me! Love me! Twitter me! and the teeny bopper crowd’s response, instead of paying attention to the music. Exceptions were the great lighting to Gravity (hey – I’m visually oriented. I can appreciate a good light show) and one of my favourite ‘hum hum hum’ songs: Who Says I Can’t Get Stoned.
Highlight of the evening: hilarious times with the girls
Lowlight of the evening: the guy dry fingering his girlfriend up at the rail
Best thing I could say to Mayer: you made me doubt my previous opinions
Worst thing I could say to Mayer: your Ego is even worse than I thought, if that's even possible
Overall result: I don’t hate him anymore. I just think it’s a fucking shame he’ll never reach his full potential.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
JM @ Amsterdam – a play by play
I did it (do you think I've gone too far?). I went and saw Le Schmayer. Now, I will write an honest review, I will - but I can't do that before I get some stuff out of my system first. Stuff that has been festering inside since the first note played last night. So here it goes: the 'review' my bitchier side demanded to be written.
The Ego Has Landed - a John Mayer story
Starring:
The Ego – John Mayer
The Girls – Joyce, Merel, Karen, Esther
Mute Background Singers – Mute Background Singers
Scene: HMH in Amsterdam. The stage goes dark, John Mayer and band are approaching. The crowd erupts in cheers.
THE GIRLS: The Ego has landed!
[Guitar solo]
JOHN MAYER: You know, I’ve been doing this for eight years now… and Europe was always something I had to do. Like, “I guess I have to do Europe”. Yeah, I know – such a drag. Anyway, now that y’all have found me on twitter (crowd roars), I can finally feel the love connection here. Twitter me! See me! Love me!
[Guitar solo]
JOHN MAYER: (choking back tears) They say a lot of things about me… about how I’ve had so many girlfriends… (crowd roars. Mayer looks up and stares into the distance, raises fist) But not one of them can say I ever cheated on ‘em!! (crowd applauds) I just had so many women because I had some more livin’ to do. You gotta do some livin’ you know. If you can’t give your whole heart anymore, you gotta move on to the next one, you know. So do you want to live a little more with me?
[Guitar solo]
CROWD: Yes, John. We will gladly fuck you and not expect you to call us again – because that’s really what you’re saying, right?
[Guitar solo]
JOHN MAYER: (to mute background singers) Ladies, we all know you’re just here to make me look better. Say yes if you want to stay on the payroll.
[Guitar solo]
MUTE BACKGROUND SINGERS: Yes, John.
JOHN MAYER: Because I seem to have no sense of rhythm when I make my moves. But neither do you. So now I don’t look as bad. And since you can’t sing either, you make me look even better. And to top it off, the stage is almost dark and there’s just one spotlight, focused on me the entire night. Only! On! Me! I’ve got it made!
[Guitar solo]
MUTE BACKGROUND SINGERS: Yes, John.
[Guitar solo]
THE GIRLS: Wilson!
[Guitar solo]
JOHN MAYER: I’m in Amsterdam, so I will be talking pot now (crowd laughs hysterically). If I repeat the words “Fucking and Smoking and Drinking” over and over again, I bet I look real badass.
[Guitar solo]
In reality, I go to bed early every night in the company of my warm sweet laptop, because otherwise my voice will give. You will find out right after the break when I try to wring out the chorus to Free Falling.
[Guitar solo]
THE GIRLS: Bless you for not playing Daughters, John.
The Ego Has Landed - a John Mayer story
Starring:
The Ego – John Mayer
The Girls – Joyce, Merel, Karen, Esther
Mute Background Singers – Mute Background Singers
Scene: HMH in Amsterdam. The stage goes dark, John Mayer and band are approaching. The crowd erupts in cheers.
THE GIRLS: The Ego has landed!
[Guitar solo]
JOHN MAYER: You know, I’ve been doing this for eight years now… and Europe was always something I had to do. Like, “I guess I have to do Europe”. Yeah, I know – such a drag. Anyway, now that y’all have found me on twitter (crowd roars), I can finally feel the love connection here. Twitter me! See me! Love me!
[Guitar solo]
JOHN MAYER: (choking back tears) They say a lot of things about me… about how I’ve had so many girlfriends… (crowd roars. Mayer looks up and stares into the distance, raises fist) But not one of them can say I ever cheated on ‘em!! (crowd applauds) I just had so many women because I had some more livin’ to do. You gotta do some livin’ you know. If you can’t give your whole heart anymore, you gotta move on to the next one, you know. So do you want to live a little more with me?
[Guitar solo]
CROWD: Yes, John. We will gladly fuck you and not expect you to call us again – because that’s really what you’re saying, right?
[Guitar solo]
JOHN MAYER: (to mute background singers) Ladies, we all know you’re just here to make me look better. Say yes if you want to stay on the payroll.
[Guitar solo]
MUTE BACKGROUND SINGERS: Yes, John.
JOHN MAYER: Because I seem to have no sense of rhythm when I make my moves. But neither do you. So now I don’t look as bad. And since you can’t sing either, you make me look even better. And to top it off, the stage is almost dark and there’s just one spotlight, focused on me the entire night. Only! On! Me! I’ve got it made!
[Guitar solo]
MUTE BACKGROUND SINGERS: Yes, John.
[Guitar solo]
THE GIRLS: Wilson!
[Guitar solo]
JOHN MAYER: I’m in Amsterdam, so I will be talking pot now (crowd laughs hysterically). If I repeat the words “Fucking and Smoking and Drinking” over and over again, I bet I look real badass.
[Guitar solo]
In reality, I go to bed early every night in the company of my warm sweet laptop, because otherwise my voice will give. You will find out right after the break when I try to wring out the chorus to Free Falling.
[Guitar solo]
THE GIRLS: Bless you for not playing Daughters, John.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
I swore to God I'd never be what I've become
There's something off with Snow Patrol's lyrics.
Crack the shutters open wide
I want to bathe you in the light
Of day-hay
That last part, the [-hay]? It's lazy. So is [Ooooh]. As a rule (with the mandatory exceptions of course), I have a problem with [Ooooh]. [Ooooh] is lazy. Snow Patrol's [Ooooh] is not functional; it does not add anything. It's "I can't tap into any creativity for this chorus, so let's just cram in an [Ooooh]"-lazy. And like I said, it's right up there with "I'm just going to pretend that [Day] has two syllables". He'd better pretended that [Body] in the next verse only had one syllable, but whatever. Writing is a bitch - I should know.
---------
We're not doing anything for Christmas. "We" would be my family (mother, stepfather, brother, stepsister etc. etc.). My brother, stepsister and myself concluded that the years of false pretenses (are pretenses ever true to begin with?) are over. So on First Christmas day, I will be eating macaroni with ham and cheese with my adorable son. On Second Christmas day, my friend Ellis will be over and I'll eat something a tad more sophisticated, but not too much (I'm thinking stuffed organic chicken with risotto and just a nice salad).
I know it's kind of sad, yet I am happy to make a brand new start with the whole Christmas thing. Christmas used to be a nightmare. Maybe I can start a new tradition and make Christmas a little more harmonious for me and the kid.
---------
I can't say that I am particularly looking forward to 2010, because I am a little scared where I will be this time next year. Will it have been worse than 2009? If so, will I be able to even handle that? On the other hand, so many good things are already lined up for next year: three DMB shows, Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood, a couple of 'unheard of'-s in venues like Paradiso, a possible to trip to Indiana and with that, another DMB show (& a trip to California - I mean, if I'm in the country anyway...) and a possible visit from La GM. Best and worst of all will be the kid's first day at school, after summer. I'm crying my eyes out already. He can read his name now. Bursting with pride. Just bursting.
I'll be doing an overview of 2009 later. Love you all.
Crack the shutters open wide
I want to bathe you in the light
Of day-hay
That last part, the [-hay]? It's lazy. So is [Ooooh]. As a rule (with the mandatory exceptions of course), I have a problem with [Ooooh]. [Ooooh] is lazy. Snow Patrol's [Ooooh] is not functional; it does not add anything. It's "I can't tap into any creativity for this chorus, so let's just cram in an [Ooooh]"-lazy. And like I said, it's right up there with "I'm just going to pretend that [Day] has two syllables". He'd better pretended that [Body] in the next verse only had one syllable, but whatever. Writing is a bitch - I should know.
---------
We're not doing anything for Christmas. "We" would be my family (mother, stepfather, brother, stepsister etc. etc.). My brother, stepsister and myself concluded that the years of false pretenses (are pretenses ever true to begin with?) are over. So on First Christmas day, I will be eating macaroni with ham and cheese with my adorable son. On Second Christmas day, my friend Ellis will be over and I'll eat something a tad more sophisticated, but not too much (I'm thinking stuffed organic chicken with risotto and just a nice salad).
I know it's kind of sad, yet I am happy to make a brand new start with the whole Christmas thing. Christmas used to be a nightmare. Maybe I can start a new tradition and make Christmas a little more harmonious for me and the kid.
---------
I can't say that I am particularly looking forward to 2010, because I am a little scared where I will be this time next year. Will it have been worse than 2009? If so, will I be able to even handle that? On the other hand, so many good things are already lined up for next year: three DMB shows, Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood, a couple of 'unheard of'-s in venues like Paradiso, a possible to trip to Indiana and with that, another DMB show (& a trip to California - I mean, if I'm in the country anyway...) and a possible visit from La GM. Best and worst of all will be the kid's first day at school, after summer. I'm crying my eyes out already. He can read his name now. Bursting with pride. Just bursting.
I'll be doing an overview of 2009 later. Love you all.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Als je haar maar goed zit (As long as your hair is great - Dutch song)
My hair died.
One day, it was perfectly fine, sitting on my head, straigt as an arrow but what else is new. The next? Dead. Split ends, no life, dull as fuck, no color, gone.
So I had to cut it - the hair is dead, long live the hair. Hair CPR. It looks kinda nice. But until it has grown back - no pictures.
On request:
One day, it was perfectly fine, sitting on my head, straigt as an arrow but what else is new. The next? Dead. Split ends, no life, dull as fuck, no color, gone.
So I had to cut it - the hair is dead, long live the hair. Hair CPR. It looks kinda nice. But until it has grown back - no pictures.
On request:
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday Night Movie Night: New Moon
Most thought thought last Friday:
"Oh, for the love of GOD!".
The movie was released on 11/19 over here. We were scheduled to see it just one day later. When I bought the tickets online, I did notice the announcement that it was going to be a special 'Girls Only Night'-screening. But we figured that was all part of the fun. The comedy enhances in a theater filled with girls who really know how to swoon properly.
We did it right. First, we got together at my place to 'watch' the Twilight DVD, while gulping down two bottles of prosecco and basically yapping, yelling and laughing our way through. We had some Italian food at Vapiano, which was delish as always. We figured we needed to get to the theater somewhat in advance (we're not that dense), so off we went.
It was insane. Just insane. There was an enormous crowd (for both New Moon and that other disaster: 2012). 3/4 were girls. There were only three registers open for both tickets and refreshments. It was hot, very hot. We were wearing winter coats and scarfs. We were in our thirties, they were barely 16. The smell of Clearasil and lip gloss was overwhelming. They roped off the stairs to our theater and when they finally opened it (about half an hour after the movie was supposed to start), the ticket girl got trempled. Actual feet placed on her back. Insanity!
Now, the movie itself. No review could ever top Eric D. Snyder's alternative rejected script, so I will post that here. If you haven't read his Twilight script, please do. You'll wet yourself.
Anyway, there were a few things mentioning.
1. The girly crowd clapped during the opening credits. The fuck?
2. The first third of the movie wasn't half bad. Yeah, I didn't expect that either. Edward was allowed to have tiny hints of other emotions on his face besides torment (meaning he didn't look like he was constipated the entire time) and Bella was less clingy than I'd feared.
3. Taylor Lautner pulls off his shirt and the girly crowd S-C-R-E-A-M-S. Robert Pattinson does the same and you could hear a pin drop. Not a sound. Chuckle.
4. Way better job on the make-up and contacts for this one. Exception: Jasper.
5. Loved the Volturi, hated the wolve pack. The difference? Acting skills.
And now, onto Eric's script.
MY SCREENPLAY ADAPTATION OF STEPHENIE MEYER'S "NEW MOON"
By Eric D. Snider
Scene 1
CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella! You're 18 now, old enough to make adult decisions and choose your own path!
BELLA: Eh, I think I'll just keep doing whatever Edward wants.
CHARLIE: If I had any actual relevance in your life I'd be concerned. Anyway, here's a camera. Use it to take pictures of your friends.
BELLA: When you say "friends," do you mean "friend," and do you specifically mean Edward?
CHARLIE: Who else would I mean? The classmates you've been ignoring since you first laid eyes on Whitey von Pastyface?
* * * * *
Scene 2
BELLA:
Hello, my undead stalker! How are you?
EDWARD: Brooding and tortured as always.
BELLA: Wonderful! Hey, Charlie gave me a camera. Could you, a vampire, please stand here in broad daylight so I can take your photograph? Oh, and hold this cross, this holy water, and this clove of garlic, too.
BRAM STOKER: (turns over in grave)
JACOB: Hey, Bella! Remember me?
BELLA: By the steroids of A-Rod! Jacob, you're huge! I've never seen such a hunky, delicious slab of Indian meat! Tell the women in your village they don't have to go down to the river to do laundry anymore, they can beat their clothes against your abs!
EDWARD: I'm standing right here, Bella.
BELLA: Not now, Powder. Jacob, why are you so buff all of a sudden?
JACOB: Oh, um, no reason. This happens to all Native Americans when they turn 16. Hey, you don't have any Snausages on you, do you?
* * * * *
Scene 3
CARLISLE: Happy birthday, Bella! We thought it would be fun for you if we stood around posing like models while you opened some gifts from us.
BELLA: Well, I'm really not big on birthdays, but OK.
EDWARD: Bella, you're bleeding!
BELLA: Look, just because I'm in a grumpy mood doesn't mean you can blame it on --
EDWARD: No, you have a paper cut!
BELLA: Oh. That.
EDWARD: Let me get you a Band-Aid.
BELLA: Jasper, why are you pouring salt and pepper on me?
JASPER: Um, because you're bland? Hello?
EDWARD: Jasper! Do not eat my girlfriend!
BELLA: (thinking) Dear diary: Today Edward finally called me his girlfriend!!
EDWARD: That's it. Bella, the Cullens are leaving Forks, and we're never coming back. It's totally for other reasons, though, and not because Jasper tried to kill you.
BELLA: What?? What other reasons??
EDWARD: I don't love you. I don't want you. I'm no good for you. Stay away from me. I hate you.
BELLA: This is so sudden! It comes immediately after Jasper's attempt on my life and is clearly nothing more than you lying to protect me, and yet I take you completely at your word that you simply don't love me anymore! My heart is breaking! My dumb, dumb heart!
* * * * *
Scene 4
JESSICA: I'm so glad we're hanging out again, Bella! You were such a drag when you were depressed that I'd forgotten what a drag you also are when you're not depressed!
BIKER DUDE: Hey, sour-faced emo chick! Wanna ride on my motorcycle!
BELLA: Eh, sure, why not?
EDWARD: Bella! Don't do it!
BELLA: What the eff? Edward?
EDWARD: I'm here in ghost form, or possibly just in your imagination, to warn you against doing things that are obviously stupid and should require no special warning!
BELLA: I've missed you so much, Ghost Edward! But I'm doing it anyway.
EDWARD: Don't! It's reckless!
BELLA: More reckless than dating a vampire?
EDWARD: Don't argue with Ghost Edward!
BELLA: What are you, my conscience? Get lost, Jiminy Cricket.
* * * * *
Scene 5
BELLA: Jacob, I was hoping you would help me restore this old motorcycle and in the process fall deeper in love with me despite knowing for certain that you will never have me.
JACOB: I'd love to be your consolation prize! I just need to go for a walk first. Hang on, I'll get my leash.
BELLA: You're really sweet, Jacob. I'm gonna ride the HELL out of this motorcycle. Just you try and stop me, Ghost Edward....
JACOB: Bella! You crashed! Are you OK? Here, let me take off my shirt and leave it off for the remainder of the film.
BELLA: I approve of this.
JACOB: Sorry I've been acting a little weird lately. The other guys in my pack -- I mean tribe -- have been hounding me -- I mean bugging me -- to join them. Here come some of them now!
BELLA: Are they friendly?
JACOB: Hang on, I'll see. (Sniffs their butts.) Yeah, they're cool.
SAM: What's up, dawg? Sorry to interrupt your puppy love here. We're gonna go chase some cars, wanna come with us?
JACOB: You're barking up the wrong tree.
BELLA: Right, you're werewolves, I get it.
JACOB: What gave it away??
BELLA: Oh, probably the story you told me in the last movie about your ancestors being werewolves.
JACOB: In hindsight, that may have been unwise on my part.
BELLA: Vampires, werewolves -- it's like I'm living in "Monster Mash." My life is a Halloween novelty song.
JACOB: You should stay away from me. I'm dangerous.
BELLA: I've been getting that a lot lately.
JACOB: I'm gonna go carouse with my wolf buddies. As you can see, they're already shirtless, too.
BELLA: I know! I haven't seen so much smooth, underage beef since Safeway had a special on veal!
* * * * *
Scene 6
ALICE: Bella, Edward thinks you're dead, and he's going to kill himself! It's just like the end of "Romeo and Juliet," which you happened to be reading earlier in the movie! Who could have foreseen that it would come up again??
BELLA: Well, you, with your psychic powers.
ALICE: Yes. Also, anyone who's ever seen a movie before.
BELLA: We have to get to Italy to stop Edward!
ALICE: What about your father?
BELLA: My what now?
ALICE: Your dad? Charlie?
BELLA: I don't even know who you're talking about.
ALICE: I should warn you, Edward is trying to provoke the Volturi into killing him, and they are not to be messed with. They're creepy, soulless monsters -- and that's just Dakota Fanning.
BELLA: Please, I know all about vampires. They sparkle in the sunlight, they never drink blood, and they listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Duh.
BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)
* * * * *
Scene 7
ALICE: There's Edward! He's standing in the doorway of that church, revealing himself to the crowd!
BELLA: Edward! Stop! Put your shirt back on!
EDWARD: You don't want people to know I'm a vampire?
BELLA: No, it's just that after spending so much time with Jacob I'm embarrassed for you.
ARO: Edward, your girlfriend knows too much. She must be killed.
ALICE: Wait! I had a vision! In the future, Bella is a vampire, too.
EDWARD: Spoiler alert!
ARO: Well, why didn't you say you were thinking of converting? That changes everything! Mazel tov!
BELLA: My parents will be disappointed, but it's for the best. Interfaith marriages are so difficult.
* * * * *
Scene 8
JACOB: Oh good, you're back from Italy, and you brought a heroin addict with you. No, wait, that's Edward.
EDWARD: Cram it, Teen Wolf. Bella is mine now, and she doesn't need some mangy mutt slobbering all over her.
JACOB: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
EDWARD: I don't like you now!
(JACOB becomes a wolf, lunges at EDWARD; EDWARD swats him on the nose)
EDWARD: Bad dog! Bad dog!
BELLA: (thinking) Where do his pants go, anyway?
EDWARD: Fetch, boy! (throws a rock; JACOB runs after it)
Bella, I'll agree to turn you into a vampire, but only on two conditions. First, you have to marry me.
BELLA: OK. What's the second one?
EDWARD: No pets.
(Fade to black; roll credits; pump theaters with Axe Body Spray to neutralize the dangerous levels of estrogen.)
"Oh, for the love of GOD!".
The movie was released on 11/19 over here. We were scheduled to see it just one day later. When I bought the tickets online, I did notice the announcement that it was going to be a special 'Girls Only Night'-screening. But we figured that was all part of the fun. The comedy enhances in a theater filled with girls who really know how to swoon properly.
We did it right. First, we got together at my place to 'watch' the Twilight DVD, while gulping down two bottles of prosecco and basically yapping, yelling and laughing our way through. We had some Italian food at Vapiano, which was delish as always. We figured we needed to get to the theater somewhat in advance (we're not that dense), so off we went.
It was insane. Just insane. There was an enormous crowd (for both New Moon and that other disaster: 2012). 3/4 were girls. There were only three registers open for both tickets and refreshments. It was hot, very hot. We were wearing winter coats and scarfs. We were in our thirties, they were barely 16. The smell of Clearasil and lip gloss was overwhelming. They roped off the stairs to our theater and when they finally opened it (about half an hour after the movie was supposed to start), the ticket girl got trempled. Actual feet placed on her back. Insanity!
Now, the movie itself. No review could ever top Eric D. Snyder's alternative rejected script, so I will post that here. If you haven't read his Twilight script, please do. You'll wet yourself.
Anyway, there were a few things mentioning.
1. The girly crowd clapped during the opening credits. The fuck?
2. The first third of the movie wasn't half bad. Yeah, I didn't expect that either. Edward was allowed to have tiny hints of other emotions on his face besides torment (meaning he didn't look like he was constipated the entire time) and Bella was less clingy than I'd feared.
3. Taylor Lautner pulls off his shirt and the girly crowd S-C-R-E-A-M-S. Robert Pattinson does the same and you could hear a pin drop. Not a sound. Chuckle.
4. Way better job on the make-up and contacts for this one. Exception: Jasper.
5. Loved the Volturi, hated the wolve pack. The difference? Acting skills.
And now, onto Eric's script.
MY SCREENPLAY ADAPTATION OF STEPHENIE MEYER'S "NEW MOON"
By Eric D. Snider
Scene 1
CHARLIE: Happy birthday, Bella! You're 18 now, old enough to make adult decisions and choose your own path!
BELLA: Eh, I think I'll just keep doing whatever Edward wants.
CHARLIE: If I had any actual relevance in your life I'd be concerned. Anyway, here's a camera. Use it to take pictures of your friends.
BELLA: When you say "friends," do you mean "friend," and do you specifically mean Edward?
CHARLIE: Who else would I mean? The classmates you've been ignoring since you first laid eyes on Whitey von Pastyface?
* * * * *
Scene 2
BELLA:
Hello, my undead stalker! How are you?
EDWARD: Brooding and tortured as always.
BELLA: Wonderful! Hey, Charlie gave me a camera. Could you, a vampire, please stand here in broad daylight so I can take your photograph? Oh, and hold this cross, this holy water, and this clove of garlic, too.
BRAM STOKER: (turns over in grave)
JACOB: Hey, Bella! Remember me?
BELLA: By the steroids of A-Rod! Jacob, you're huge! I've never seen such a hunky, delicious slab of Indian meat! Tell the women in your village they don't have to go down to the river to do laundry anymore, they can beat their clothes against your abs!
EDWARD: I'm standing right here, Bella.
BELLA: Not now, Powder. Jacob, why are you so buff all of a sudden?
JACOB: Oh, um, no reason. This happens to all Native Americans when they turn 16. Hey, you don't have any Snausages on you, do you?
* * * * *
Scene 3
CARLISLE: Happy birthday, Bella! We thought it would be fun for you if we stood around posing like models while you opened some gifts from us.
BELLA: Well, I'm really not big on birthdays, but OK.
EDWARD: Bella, you're bleeding!
BELLA: Look, just because I'm in a grumpy mood doesn't mean you can blame it on --
EDWARD: No, you have a paper cut!
BELLA: Oh. That.
EDWARD: Let me get you a Band-Aid.
BELLA: Jasper, why are you pouring salt and pepper on me?
JASPER: Um, because you're bland? Hello?
EDWARD: Jasper! Do not eat my girlfriend!
BELLA: (thinking) Dear diary: Today Edward finally called me his girlfriend!!
EDWARD: That's it. Bella, the Cullens are leaving Forks, and we're never coming back. It's totally for other reasons, though, and not because Jasper tried to kill you.
BELLA: What?? What other reasons??
EDWARD: I don't love you. I don't want you. I'm no good for you. Stay away from me. I hate you.
BELLA: This is so sudden! It comes immediately after Jasper's attempt on my life and is clearly nothing more than you lying to protect me, and yet I take you completely at your word that you simply don't love me anymore! My heart is breaking! My dumb, dumb heart!
* * * * *
Scene 4
JESSICA: I'm so glad we're hanging out again, Bella! You were such a drag when you were depressed that I'd forgotten what a drag you also are when you're not depressed!
BIKER DUDE: Hey, sour-faced emo chick! Wanna ride on my motorcycle!
BELLA: Eh, sure, why not?
EDWARD: Bella! Don't do it!
BELLA: What the eff? Edward?
EDWARD: I'm here in ghost form, or possibly just in your imagination, to warn you against doing things that are obviously stupid and should require no special warning!
BELLA: I've missed you so much, Ghost Edward! But I'm doing it anyway.
EDWARD: Don't! It's reckless!
BELLA: More reckless than dating a vampire?
EDWARD: Don't argue with Ghost Edward!
BELLA: What are you, my conscience? Get lost, Jiminy Cricket.
* * * * *
Scene 5
BELLA: Jacob, I was hoping you would help me restore this old motorcycle and in the process fall deeper in love with me despite knowing for certain that you will never have me.
JACOB: I'd love to be your consolation prize! I just need to go for a walk first. Hang on, I'll get my leash.
BELLA: You're really sweet, Jacob. I'm gonna ride the HELL out of this motorcycle. Just you try and stop me, Ghost Edward....
JACOB: Bella! You crashed! Are you OK? Here, let me take off my shirt and leave it off for the remainder of the film.
BELLA: I approve of this.
JACOB: Sorry I've been acting a little weird lately. The other guys in my pack -- I mean tribe -- have been hounding me -- I mean bugging me -- to join them. Here come some of them now!
BELLA: Are they friendly?
JACOB: Hang on, I'll see. (Sniffs their butts.) Yeah, they're cool.
SAM: What's up, dawg? Sorry to interrupt your puppy love here. We're gonna go chase some cars, wanna come with us?
JACOB: You're barking up the wrong tree.
BELLA: Right, you're werewolves, I get it.
JACOB: What gave it away??
BELLA: Oh, probably the story you told me in the last movie about your ancestors being werewolves.
JACOB: In hindsight, that may have been unwise on my part.
BELLA: Vampires, werewolves -- it's like I'm living in "Monster Mash." My life is a Halloween novelty song.
JACOB: You should stay away from me. I'm dangerous.
BELLA: I've been getting that a lot lately.
JACOB: I'm gonna go carouse with my wolf buddies. As you can see, they're already shirtless, too.
BELLA: I know! I haven't seen so much smooth, underage beef since Safeway had a special on veal!
* * * * *
Scene 6
ALICE: Bella, Edward thinks you're dead, and he's going to kill himself! It's just like the end of "Romeo and Juliet," which you happened to be reading earlier in the movie! Who could have foreseen that it would come up again??
BELLA: Well, you, with your psychic powers.
ALICE: Yes. Also, anyone who's ever seen a movie before.
BELLA: We have to get to Italy to stop Edward!
ALICE: What about your father?
BELLA: My what now?
ALICE: Your dad? Charlie?
BELLA: I don't even know who you're talking about.
ALICE: I should warn you, Edward is trying to provoke the Volturi into killing him, and they are not to be messed with. They're creepy, soulless monsters -- and that's just Dakota Fanning.
BELLA: Please, I know all about vampires. They sparkle in the sunlight, they never drink blood, and they listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Duh.
BRAM STOKER: (head explodes)
* * * * *
Scene 7
ALICE: There's Edward! He's standing in the doorway of that church, revealing himself to the crowd!
BELLA: Edward! Stop! Put your shirt back on!
EDWARD: You don't want people to know I'm a vampire?
BELLA: No, it's just that after spending so much time with Jacob I'm embarrassed for you.
ARO: Edward, your girlfriend knows too much. She must be killed.
ALICE: Wait! I had a vision! In the future, Bella is a vampire, too.
EDWARD: Spoiler alert!
ARO: Well, why didn't you say you were thinking of converting? That changes everything! Mazel tov!
BELLA: My parents will be disappointed, but it's for the best. Interfaith marriages are so difficult.
* * * * *
Scene 8
JACOB: Oh good, you're back from Italy, and you brought a heroin addict with you. No, wait, that's Edward.
EDWARD: Cram it, Teen Wolf. Bella is mine now, and she doesn't need some mangy mutt slobbering all over her.
JACOB: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
EDWARD: I don't like you now!
(JACOB becomes a wolf, lunges at EDWARD; EDWARD swats him on the nose)
EDWARD: Bad dog! Bad dog!
BELLA: (thinking) Where do his pants go, anyway?
EDWARD: Fetch, boy! (throws a rock; JACOB runs after it)
Bella, I'll agree to turn you into a vampire, but only on two conditions. First, you have to marry me.
BELLA: OK. What's the second one?
EDWARD: No pets.
(Fade to black; roll credits; pump theaters with Axe Body Spray to neutralize the dangerous levels of estrogen.)
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