JM @ Amsterdam – a play by play

I did it (do you think I've gone too far?). I went and saw Le Schmayer. Now, I will write an honest review, I will - but I can't do that before I get some stuff out of my system first. Stuff that has been festering inside since the first note played last night. So here it goes: the 'review' my bitchier side demanded to be written.

The Ego Has Landed - a John Mayer story
Starring:
The Ego – John Mayer
The Girls – Joyce, Merel, Karen, Esther
Mute Background Singers – Mute Background Singers


Scene: HMH in Amsterdam. The stage goes dark, John Mayer and band are approaching. The crowd erupts in cheers.

THE GIRLS: The Ego has landed!

[Guitar solo]

JOHN MAYER: You know, I’ve been doing this for eight years now… and Europe was always something I had to do. Like, “I guess I have to do Europe”. Yeah, I know – such a drag. Anyway, now that y’all have found me on twitter (crowd roars), I can finally feel the love connection here. Twitter me! See me! Love me!

[Guitar solo]

JOHN MAYER: (choking back tears) They say a lot of things about me… about how I’ve had so many girlfriends… (crowd roars. Mayer looks up and stares into the distance, raises fist) But not one of them can say I ever cheated on ‘em!! (crowd applauds) I just had so many women because I had some more livin’ to do. You gotta do some livin’ you know. If you can’t give your whole heart anymore, you gotta move on to the next one, you know. So do you want to live a little more with me?

[Guitar solo]

CROWD: Yes, John. We will gladly fuck you and not expect you to call us again – because that’s really what you’re saying, right?

[Guitar solo]

JOHN MAYER: (to mute background singers) Ladies, we all know you’re just here to make me look better. Say yes if you want to stay on the payroll.

[Guitar solo]

MUTE BACKGROUND SINGERS: Yes, John.

JOHN MAYER: Because I seem to have no sense of rhythm when I make my moves. But neither do you. So now I don’t look as bad. And since you can’t sing either, you make me look even better. And to top it off, the stage is almost dark and there’s just one spotlight, focused on me the entire night. Only! On! Me! I’ve got it made!

[Guitar solo]

MUTE BACKGROUND SINGERS: Yes, John.

[Guitar solo]

THE GIRLS: Wilson!

[Guitar solo]

JOHN MAYER: I’m in Amsterdam, so I will be talking pot now (crowd laughs hysterically). If I repeat the words “Fucking and Smoking and Drinking” over and over again, I bet I look real badass.

[Guitar solo]

In reality, I go to bed early every night in the company of my warm sweet laptop, because otherwise my voice will give. You will find out right after the break when I try to wring out the chorus to Free Falling.

[Guitar solo]

THE GIRLS: Bless you for not playing Daughters, John.