depression ahead

today officially marks the last day of my 'vacation'. it's been a different week than i anticipated, needless to say. marc is still doing the same. the reason he's not making any progress, is that he's caught a pneumonia. he keeps tearing out the tubes that feed him and help him breath and this has damaged his lungs, causing them to infect. we keep telling him that the tubes are there for a reason and that it's only temporary, but apparently he keeps forgetting - or that's what i think. the disoriented state he keeps falling back in, they call it 'ic-syndrom'.


i wish i was just getting back on a plane from cali today and i wish i would go over to my parents' and tell them about my trip over a cup of tea. i'm really grateful that he's alive, but to see him suffer like this and him making it even worse for himself, that's really exhausting. emotionally draining. but then i read robbi's post on the little girl who died or i think of mary ellen who's been fighting to get better month after month afther month, and i know i shouldn't be complaining.


mikey's doing fine, i think. i feel guilty all the time because i know stress isn't good for his/her development and because i have hardly been paying attention to his/her new moves. and i feel guilty towards marc because we keep on planning the wedding, knowing that on that day we will be celebrating while he is most likely still in the hospital, suffering. i guess i just feel guilty all the time, towards someone. wow, this is a really uplifting post, isn't it?


i'm grateful for my wonderful friends and family though. they rule all :)

?

the new summer fashion: bermudas with boots. boots. boots!!!


thank god i'll be pregnant this summer.



addendum.
okay. i think i meant that because i'm pregnant, i'll have a good excuse not to wear boots and bermudas. i think that's what i meant... right?

if your shoes are hot...

i might not be in the happiest place right now, but my wedding shoes do rule. they're not entirely flat (my dress won't reach all the way to the ground so a small heel looked better), but definitely not high. yet very elegant. i would never wear this color for any other ocassion, but it matches the dress perfectly.


the wedding? what to do about that now? i decided that as long as marc is not giving up and getting better, babysteps at a time, i'm not giving up on the idea he's going to be there in a month. in a bed if needed, i don't care. so yeah, the wedding is planned and my shoes are smoking.


but the best news is, is that they woke up marc again yesterday and he smiled and he tried to wink. we don't know if they'll keep him awake or how he'll respond when they take out the tube, but we did get a smile!

bored, yet?

they're keeping him asleep again - he's almost aggressive when they try and wake him up. okay - he's just aggressive. now they're going to try and wake him up with us there, so that we can try and calm him down.


i love whoops and meeka by the way. they were both very understanding and empathetic. thanks, you guys. today i realized that this really was the best decision, for sure. if i would have heard about the new developments while over there, i would have been up the walls. now, i just had to see him to reassure myself he's doing better than three days ago. still, i hate that i'm not going to see you and beautiful cali. i'm making myself a non-fat chai latte tomorrow morning to feel a little better.


in more fun news: to get my mind of things, i'm shopping for wedding shoes tomorrow. needless to say, they will need to be almost flat (no high heels). but still party worthy. we'll see how that works out...

decisions

just came back from the hospital again. he was awake and back on the oxygen machine. but he was awake! he's still really afraid, i think (he couldn't talk). when i had to leave, he wouldn't let go of my hand. what that means? that i'm not flying to america tomorrow. it blows, it sucks, it makes me sad. i was so looking forward to it. but this is the right decision. i hope my hosts will understand.

an update

thank you for your e-mails and comments! it's good to know so many of you are thinking of us.


they took him off the dormicum this morning, but somehow he managed to pull out the tube of the oxygen machine that was down his throat, although he is in restraints. it seems as though he has used his feet to do it. which is... just like him. stubborn as a mule. the bad news is, now they might need to put him back to sleep again because he's not breathing right yet.


i guess we can't complain though. he's almost survived the critical first 48 hours. he showed signs of recognition when we saw him this morning and his kidneys and heart are doing what they're supposed to do.


as for me, i'm not doing great. i had a contraction the night it all happened - i didn't want to mention it but i guess now i did. i'm okay of course and i guess it's nothing dramatic. but it was a bit of a scare. now i just feel like my head is going to explode.


and i have to make a decision about flying to the states within the next 12 hours. my mom says i should go, maarten says i should go, and me? i don't know. the thing is, i can't really reschedule because soon i can't fly anymore. and it'll be at least a year before i get another chance. and lord knows i need to RELAX. and where better to relax than in california?
on the other hand, my stepdad just crawled through the eye of the needle, he is in the hospital and i just want to be able to visit him every day and speak encouraging words and help him to get better. and i need to hand in an assignment that i didn't finish yet because of everything that has been going on since sunday. and i'm just so, so tired - part of me just wants to stay here, i guess.

my stepdad had an aneurysm last night. against all odds, he made it through the operation. they're keeping him asleep for now. the next 36 hours or so are critical.


i was the only one in town, so i had a chance to talk to him before they put him in the ambulance and then before they wheeled him into the o.r. i've never seen anyone so scared. my dad had time to prepare himself for his death; marc was in complete shock (litterally, too) of what was happening to him. he was in so much pain, it was horrible to see him like that. he said he wanted to be there to see mikey in a couple of months. i told him that we'd better make that happen. and that we all love him and are here to support him. i felt like i was choking.


luckily, we were able to get everyone in town so that they could see him after the operation, although he was asleep. i felt so sorry for my mom. they had just started enjoying their pension.


okay - he just needs to get better. nothing less.
marika - i'll send you an e-mail tomorrow about this weekend.