evaluation

so this day a year ago, i had been a mom for 3.5 days. i couldn't really walk, i couldn't go to the bathroom, yannick had to eat every hour (because i wasn't producing enough milk), i couldn't drown myself in pain killers like i needed to because i was breast feeding and basically, i couldn't really enjoy being a mom.

that's what they don't tell you. that there is a moment when you've just become a parent where you actually think "we shouldn't have done this, this is a mistake". and that moment passes just as quickly as it came to you. maybe that's why most people won't admit having thought this. that, and of course because it's a big taboo.

but i definitely got my senses back and now, i can't even imagine yannick not being a part of our lives. you try to imagine beforehand what it's like to have a child but reality is so much better, weirder, more emotional and exhilirating. i laugh at people who claim that they can preserve their old lifestyle and nothing needs to change after the baby is born. i laugh at this because things change automatically. not only because your schedule changes unnoticed, but because you learn things you never knew and you adept to them.

what i've learned this past year?
1. you don't know what 'being exhausted' is, until you have children. you don't. not even when you've just climbed mount everest. because after you climbed it, you can take a nice long hot bath and sleep for 10 hours. and with kids, you can NEVER sleep AGAIN. or at least it seems to be never again. i recall claiming to have 'never been this tired in my life' and now i just shake my head. now, i know what it is to be really, utterly, completely tired and not being able to do anything about it. because when you think you can't go on and you go to bed at 8 in the evening, that's when the little one decided to wake up every two hours, only to scream in your ear for about an hour every time. because they had a bad dream. or because they're teething. or because it's just all too much. but since they can't tell you this, you are sick with worry by the time the sun comes up. which brings me to the next thing i learned.

2. my biggest fear has always been fear itself. in my life, i wanted to see to it that i would not miss out on any new experience just because of being scared. i've never been afraid of dying, or taking risks, or moving my life upside down. in fact, i love a big change from time to time. keeps me fresh and open and enthusiastic. but now, i know what it's like to be really afraid of something. to want to cling to the comfort of 'certainties' (which is an illusion, of course).if something would ever, ever happen to yannick (knock on wood, knock on wood), i don't think i would survive. at least, not the esther as i or you know. something would be destroyed beyond repair. even to imagine something like that makes it hard to breath.the constant worry you feel is something you do learn to live with however. good thing too, because otherwise you would keep your kid from growing up. and seeing your kid grow is the best, best, best, best, best, better than best thing in the whole wide world. which brings us to...

3. even if i would bring peace to the middle east, i will never ever be more proud than i am of being a mother. my kid is of course the best, the cutest, the smartest, the funniest, the wisest, the best smelling kid - like every other kid is in the eyes of his/her parents. and it doesn't really matter what he will become or what he will do. to be granted the unique opportunity to watch him grow, discover and seek his way through life is the most fulfilling and gratifying experience in my own life. you know, as long as you love your kid, tell and show him you love him, give him space to create his own experiences - there's not much you can do wrong. although...

4. the mother maffia is alway there to present you with that other emotion that will never leave you again: guilt. whether you work or stay at home, breast feed or bottle feed, sing songs or play catch, take a dog or a cat, produce a rocket scientist or a rock star - the mother maffia will always be there to subtily point out that you are a big FAILURE. stay at home and be very content with the dedication you can give your child? FAIL, because you smother him. choose to make a career and leave your child in the care of others during working hours? FAIL, because he will grow up to have severe attachment issues. support his efforts to learn new things by showing him how to walk, talk, crawl, sit, sing? FAIL, because you are pushing him. giving him space to crawl and feel and smell and touch on his own? FAIL, because you neglect him.

to be continued (gotta work too, being the evil career mom that i am).