it's too much

okay - yannick is asleep, maarten is out working, i'm finally sitting down and i feel like shit.

everybody needs to fuck off. since day one i've been forced to defend my choice to work fulltime, while having an infant at home. yes, sometimes that sucks. sometimes i want to be at home rather than having to deal with piss-poor excuses for 'problems' at work. "but who's taking care of him then???" is a phrase i just cannot hear anymore. no-one is taking care of him. we just leave him in the morning with a bottle beside his bed. what do you think? i think i'm going to have a t-shirt printed that says: "my kid is at home with his dad. unless it's tuesday or wednesday, when he's at the best day-care ever. satisfied?"

yes people, i do miss him. i even miss him now, while he's asleep. i can't explain to you what it is to have a child and what it is to be a mother but if you are, you know what i mean when i say that i even miss him when he's asleep. the other day i had a supplier (a SUPPLIER to whom i am a CLIENT) on the phone and when he finally understood i really, really was at work five days a week, he bluntly told me i shouldn't have kids. no, really, that totally made my day.

and no, i'm not a raging feminist and i do not feel that all mothers should work. one of my best friends is a stay-at-home mom, another works three days a week (and some more in the evenings) and another does not have children. i love them all and i stand by them all. they all had to make a choice and i support them 300%. when will people start to realize that happy kids come from happy parents? that all children are different, as are all mothers? that the fact that i work my ass off so that my child is can be raised and taken care off by at least one of his parents five days a week is something i do out of love for him?

maybe one day i can work four days a week. it's not unthinkable, especially in the netherlands, where flexible hours on management level are a more accepted concept. maybe that will pan out. but i've come to the conclusion that even then, people will harass me with their narrow-minded, mid-fifties ideas. and they all need to sit on their finger and back the fuck off.

well, that's off my chest.

another thing that bothers me is that i really don't have enough time. i want to call sarah to discuss the upcoming dave & TIM!! shows. i want to call whoops to tell him how much i love him and thank him for the dmb calendar he sent me. i want to call meeks and gina (preferably at the same time) and find out how they are doing. i want to get rid off the ton of e-mail that i still need to answer. i want to call my uncle to set a date so he can visit his ... what is it called? great nephew? i want to call my stepmom so she can visit. i want to see my other stepmom because i see her as my true 'other mom'. i want to fly to america and kiss the ground. i want to have the energy to do all this, be a great mom, be a great employee, get another degree (it's addicting), be a great wife, start painting again, search the net for new music, dive into secondlife, find out what the hyves-hype is all about, develop a decent myspace profile, be a great friend, make my own clothes, finally learn how to do cartwheels.

i guess i'll go to bed instead.